I wrote the following today in response to a FB comment in which a woman said how much she dislikes the adage "Trust birth." (I generally agree with her, though I understand the impetus to remove some of the excessive fear around birth in our society.)
I always say I trust birth like I trust the ocean. I trust it to be powerful, to have some constants but to be unpredictable, to be bigger than I am, and I don't turn my back on it. I can learn skills to help traverse it, but I can't control it. It can be beautiful, peaceful, awe-inspiring, and it can wreak havoc. It predicates life but can take life. And I love being around it.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Gems 2009
My mom doesn't seem to think Facebook is a good enough permanent record of how awesome my kids are. She's probably right; it's much easier to go back through my blog, and I can archive it on my computer. So, here are some of my favorite moments I posted on Facebook over the past few years, starting with 2009. I'm sure this isn't as interesting for you, dear readers, as a real update or an opinion piece, but I do want to hold on to these moments for my children's futures.
January 2009
Happy to be working on a 1000 piece puzzle instead of 24.
My husband appreciation shirt has been rendered unwearable by boy pee.
Bouncing a baby boy in his Beco Butterfly on a birth ball.
Being held captive by a snoozing boy. Or is that captivated?
Both relieved and sad that Donovan now takes a paci.
Crying with hope. (My friend Julie's son was born with congenital diaphragmatic hernia and was not expected to survive. This was in response to the first update after his birth, which told us that he was doing better than expected. He's three now. http://thetuleys.blogspot.com/)
February 2009
Can't type my statu s beca use D keeps h itt ing the spa ce bar.
Who swapped out D for anti-sleep boy?
Very sad about the line of cars outside E's school with posters in the windows that say, "I teach here and got my pink slip."
March 2009
My baby boy officially exists. (Got him his birth certificate at 5.5 months of age.)
Amazed that I went from 0 to 3 kids asleep in 60 seconds. If only it had been a little earlier....
May 2009
Laugh for the day: Kessa: "When I was a little kid..."
I love co-sleeping, but I'm becoming less and less enamored with co-not-sleeping.
Just found Eliana filling in the online form to be contacted by an "Admissions Advisor" from American InterContinental University.
June 2009
I hope D will find a new, and less stinky, favorite food than goat cheese.
Cleaning house with a boy on my back.
Flabbergasted that D purposefully submerged his entire face in the bathtub, held it under for several seconds, and repeated this several times tonight.
July 2009
I think it's official - D talks! None of my 3 kids' first words have been mama or dada, but all 3 have made me proud. (Eliana: book; Kesenia: Nana (Eliana); Donovan: Nehneh (nursies).)
Trying to figure out which shoulder houses the good angel and which shoulder houses the bad angel.
Just looked in the baby book and found out that at D's age, Kes was 3 lbs and 1.25" bigger than Donovan. And y'all wonder why I look confused when you tell me how big he is.
Awesome thing about Elly #473: She loves watching opera on TV, cries about the plot, but won't stop reading the subtitles to spare herself.
The UC Davis Human Lactation Center - love that they have to specify "human."
Grasping at D's infancy.
August 2009
It's absolutely stunning how much cooler - erm, *less hot* - 100 degrees feels when I'm not pregnant.
I need a shower, I have D's banana on my shirt, my girls are in jammies, D is pantsless, and I am going to Peet's right NOW.
Fell asleep at 8:30 with Donovan. Kudos to Eliana: "I noticed it was dark out so I looked at the clock, and it said 9:17 so I went to bed."
September 2009
Woke up this morning to Kessa telling Donovan, "You're my pride and joy!"
Which child do I take to 4 year old preschool today? KESSA??? Doesn't Eliana still go to Beth Emek? What do you mean she's in first grade? Donovan's not turning one! Stop denying me my denial!
A year ago just now, I had some good contractions and a sneezing fit, and when I sneezed in the middle of a good contraction, my water broke. I thought, wow, we'll probably have this baby by dawn. Ha! Wrong, so wrong. Contractions ramped up for a couple hours and then stopped, and thus began the waiting game. And now you know, don't sneeze during contractions unless you're really in labor.
October 2009
Got home from a birth at 5:30 am and wondered briefly what my neighbors must think when I drive up to the house at all hours, park terribly, and stumble to my front door, then decided I don't care.
3.7 near Sunol = first earthquake Eliana has felt.
"Eliana, if I said you could take piano when you turn 7, but you'd have to choose a sport to give up, what would you choose?" "No, Mom, I don't want to stop doing any of my activities." *picks jaw up off floor*
Having Mommy guilt about my 3 days away at MANA after hearing Kessa cry out in her sleep and say, "Bye-bye, Mama!" Heartbreaking.
November 2009
The house does not have feelings. The house does not have feelings. My kids needed to play at the park today, and the house does not have feelings.
Today, I'm thankful that my hair is Kessa's blankie. Mmmmm, cuddles. (Aw, she gave that up when I made her quit thumb-sucking.)
December 2009
Major milestone: the day the kid reaches something higher than you thought he could reach, making an enormous mess, and you mutter to yourself while cleaning it up, though you are superbly thankful it wasn't something sharp or hot.
Apparently I didn't learn from yesterday's milestone. Today, my shoes smell like eggnog.
Last night's Hanukkah: sparse decorating, candlelighting, latkes, applesauce, broccoli, cake, and a $9 present that they all have to share... and they smothered me in gratefulness and love. Three cheers for unspoiled children.
I wonder what causes a one year old to wake himself up in the middle of the night by hiccuping.
Eliana gave my brother a list of seven things to find, requiring him to check them off using stickers, and then wrote him a note saying, "Congragalations! You figured out the scavenger hunt!"
January 2009
Happy to be working on a 1000 piece puzzle instead of 24.
My husband appreciation shirt has been rendered unwearable by boy pee.
Bouncing a baby boy in his Beco Butterfly on a birth ball.
Being held captive by a snoozing boy. Or is that captivated?
Both relieved and sad that Donovan now takes a paci.
Crying with hope. (My friend Julie's son was born with congenital diaphragmatic hernia and was not expected to survive. This was in response to the first update after his birth, which told us that he was doing better than expected. He's three now. http://thetuleys.blogspot.com/)
February 2009
Can't type my statu s beca use D keeps h itt ing the spa ce bar.
Who swapped out D for anti-sleep boy?
Very sad about the line of cars outside E's school with posters in the windows that say, "I teach here and got my pink slip."
March 2009
My baby boy officially exists. (Got him his birth certificate at 5.5 months of age.)
Amazed that I went from 0 to 3 kids asleep in 60 seconds. If only it had been a little earlier....
May 2009
Laugh for the day: Kessa: "When I was a little kid..."
I love co-sleeping, but I'm becoming less and less enamored with co-not-sleeping.
Just found Eliana filling in the online form to be contacted by an "Admissions Advisor" from American InterContinental University.
June 2009
I hope D will find a new, and less stinky, favorite food than goat cheese.
Cleaning house with a boy on my back.
Flabbergasted that D purposefully submerged his entire face in the bathtub, held it under for several seconds, and repeated this several times tonight.
July 2009
I think it's official - D talks! None of my 3 kids' first words have been mama or dada, but all 3 have made me proud. (Eliana: book; Kesenia: Nana (Eliana); Donovan: Nehneh (nursies).)
Trying to figure out which shoulder houses the good angel and which shoulder houses the bad angel.
Just looked in the baby book and found out that at D's age, Kes was 3 lbs and 1.25" bigger than Donovan. And y'all wonder why I look confused when you tell me how big he is.
Awesome thing about Elly #473: She loves watching opera on TV, cries about the plot, but won't stop reading the subtitles to spare herself.
The UC Davis Human Lactation Center - love that they have to specify "human."
Grasping at D's infancy.
August 2009
It's absolutely stunning how much cooler - erm, *less hot* - 100 degrees feels when I'm not pregnant.
I need a shower, I have D's banana on my shirt, my girls are in jammies, D is pantsless, and I am going to Peet's right NOW.
Fell asleep at 8:30 with Donovan. Kudos to Eliana: "I noticed it was dark out so I looked at the clock, and it said 9:17 so I went to bed."
September 2009
Woke up this morning to Kessa telling Donovan, "You're my pride and joy!"
Which child do I take to 4 year old preschool today? KESSA??? Doesn't Eliana still go to Beth Emek? What do you mean she's in first grade? Donovan's not turning one! Stop denying me my denial!
A year ago just now, I had some good contractions and a sneezing fit, and when I sneezed in the middle of a good contraction, my water broke. I thought, wow, we'll probably have this baby by dawn. Ha! Wrong, so wrong. Contractions ramped up for a couple hours and then stopped, and thus began the waiting game. And now you know, don't sneeze during contractions unless you're really in labor.
October 2009
Got home from a birth at 5:30 am and wondered briefly what my neighbors must think when I drive up to the house at all hours, park terribly, and stumble to my front door, then decided I don't care.
3.7 near Sunol = first earthquake Eliana has felt.
"Eliana, if I said you could take piano when you turn 7, but you'd have to choose a sport to give up, what would you choose?" "No, Mom, I don't want to stop doing any of my activities." *picks jaw up off floor*
Having Mommy guilt about my 3 days away at MANA after hearing Kessa cry out in her sleep and say, "Bye-bye, Mama!" Heartbreaking.
November 2009
The house does not have feelings. The house does not have feelings. My kids needed to play at the park today, and the house does not have feelings.
Today, I'm thankful that my hair is Kessa's blankie. Mmmmm, cuddles. (Aw, she gave that up when I made her quit thumb-sucking.)
December 2009
Major milestone: the day the kid reaches something higher than you thought he could reach, making an enormous mess, and you mutter to yourself while cleaning it up, though you are superbly thankful it wasn't something sharp or hot.
Apparently I didn't learn from yesterday's milestone. Today, my shoes smell like eggnog.
Last night's Hanukkah: sparse decorating, candlelighting, latkes, applesauce, broccoli, cake, and a $9 present that they all have to share... and they smothered me in gratefulness and love. Three cheers for unspoiled children.
I wonder what causes a one year old to wake himself up in the middle of the night by hiccuping.
Eliana gave my brother a list of seven things to find, requiring him to check them off using stickers, and then wrote him a note saying, "Congragalations! You figured out the scavenger hunt!"
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Career developments
There are a couple of major developments on my career path!
One, I'm starting up my own business as a licensed midwife providing prenatal and postpartum supplemental care to women planning hospital births. I'll be offering them all the care home birth midwives give their clients during our hour-long visits that obstetricians and hospital midwives simply don't have the time to give, and may also not have the training to give (e.g. holistic approaches). I will also provide home inductions for select prenatal clients and potentially for select clients of doula friends; the first and foremost criterion for home induction will be that it would occur within a day or two of a scheduled hospital induction. (In other words, I'd be trying to help them avoid Pitocin and/or Cytotec.) Well-woman care and prenatal classes will round out the business. Stay tuned for my website!
Two, I'm officially a DVC student for Spring 2013. I will be taking prerequisites for the BSN and MSN programs I am considering, so that I will be ready to move forward either direction when I decide (in 2014 or 2015) whether to go back on call as a licensed midwife providing home birth services or to go back to school to get my MSN to be a nurse-midwife in a hospital. Nursing prerequisites tend to be impacted classes, so hopefully I am going to be able to get these classes done within a reasonable amount of time while still being able to schedule them while Donovan is in preschool or at night after bedtime. There are also some online options I can explore, at DVC and otherwise, and I can also take classes at CSU East Bay as part of its "Open University" program. Most importantly, I have to get excellent grades so that I can get accepted into an accelerated BSN or MSN program. (And then, if I go the BSN route, I will need to continue to have nothing but top-notch grades so I can get into a distance MSN program.) My graduate school GPA was fantastic, but my UCLA GPA makes me a bit nervous, especially if you count the pass/no pass classes which factor in as C grades if they are included. It's above the minimum, but not as high as I'd like to feel confident about getting into a school that's high on my list. Also, I'm not sure how it's going to look that I started grad school and left before completing my MA. I am hoping that they will see my tenacity and perseverance from my completion of my midwifery licensure program, and understand that I left my MA program simply because I decided against the career that had been the whole purpose of obtaining the degree. Given that the accelerated programs specialize in helping people switch careers, I am optimistic that they won't hold that against me. Regardless, I'm holding myself to a high standard for my grades in these prerequisites.
Finally, I am still hoping to do some birth work over the next couple of years. Of course, with a class schedule, I won't have the option of going on call full time. However, I am hoping that a birth center or private home birth practice will be able to find a use for me to be on call a couple of days a week, or that I can fill in for an assist during school breaks, to enable her to take a vacation. It might be pie in the sky, considering the full 24/7 call that most area midwives are committed to, but I'm throwing it out there that I am looking for this kind of work.
If you are a friend or client who has a friend planning a hospital birth but not getting everything she needs from her OB or who is postpartum and would like some extra support, or if you are a home birth midwife with a potential client who just couldn't convince her husband to agree to home birth, I would appreciate your referrals. If you are a home birth or birth center midwife who would like to share call or has an assist who would like to share call, I would love to talk about working together. If you would like to simply cheer me on for success in school or in my business, I would also appreciate that!
One, I'm starting up my own business as a licensed midwife providing prenatal and postpartum supplemental care to women planning hospital births. I'll be offering them all the care home birth midwives give their clients during our hour-long visits that obstetricians and hospital midwives simply don't have the time to give, and may also not have the training to give (e.g. holistic approaches). I will also provide home inductions for select prenatal clients and potentially for select clients of doula friends; the first and foremost criterion for home induction will be that it would occur within a day or two of a scheduled hospital induction. (In other words, I'd be trying to help them avoid Pitocin and/or Cytotec.) Well-woman care and prenatal classes will round out the business. Stay tuned for my website!
Two, I'm officially a DVC student for Spring 2013. I will be taking prerequisites for the BSN and MSN programs I am considering, so that I will be ready to move forward either direction when I decide (in 2014 or 2015) whether to go back on call as a licensed midwife providing home birth services or to go back to school to get my MSN to be a nurse-midwife in a hospital. Nursing prerequisites tend to be impacted classes, so hopefully I am going to be able to get these classes done within a reasonable amount of time while still being able to schedule them while Donovan is in preschool or at night after bedtime. There are also some online options I can explore, at DVC and otherwise, and I can also take classes at CSU East Bay as part of its "Open University" program. Most importantly, I have to get excellent grades so that I can get accepted into an accelerated BSN or MSN program. (And then, if I go the BSN route, I will need to continue to have nothing but top-notch grades so I can get into a distance MSN program.) My graduate school GPA was fantastic, but my UCLA GPA makes me a bit nervous, especially if you count the pass/no pass classes which factor in as C grades if they are included. It's above the minimum, but not as high as I'd like to feel confident about getting into a school that's high on my list. Also, I'm not sure how it's going to look that I started grad school and left before completing my MA. I am hoping that they will see my tenacity and perseverance from my completion of my midwifery licensure program, and understand that I left my MA program simply because I decided against the career that had been the whole purpose of obtaining the degree. Given that the accelerated programs specialize in helping people switch careers, I am optimistic that they won't hold that against me. Regardless, I'm holding myself to a high standard for my grades in these prerequisites.
Finally, I am still hoping to do some birth work over the next couple of years. Of course, with a class schedule, I won't have the option of going on call full time. However, I am hoping that a birth center or private home birth practice will be able to find a use for me to be on call a couple of days a week, or that I can fill in for an assist during school breaks, to enable her to take a vacation. It might be pie in the sky, considering the full 24/7 call that most area midwives are committed to, but I'm throwing it out there that I am looking for this kind of work.
If you are a friend or client who has a friend planning a hospital birth but not getting everything she needs from her OB or who is postpartum and would like some extra support, or if you are a home birth midwife with a potential client who just couldn't convince her husband to agree to home birth, I would appreciate your referrals. If you are a home birth or birth center midwife who would like to share call or has an assist who would like to share call, I would love to talk about working together. If you would like to simply cheer me on for success in school or in my business, I would also appreciate that!
Monday, October 15, 2012
Typing
I am teaching Eliana how to properly type. Today, she wanted to watch me type, to see how I keep my hands centered and move my fingers. I stopped talking, and while she talked to me, I typed back. Here's the transcript of my side of the conversation:
"I love Eliana so very very much that I am going to kiss her a zillion times. Don't run away, not right now. I have a whole lifetime to keep kissing her and kissing her. Plus she’s sick and snotty and so am I. So why would I want to kiss her right now? Yucky. Ew. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew. Get off! No more kisses! Please please please. Ew now she’s touching her stinky feet. Eeeeew. Go wash your hands. Maybe you should put on some socks. Weren’t you going to read some more? Or are you having too much fun watching Doctor Who? No sneezing allowed. Ew no don't kiss me now. Phew, but I could smell your snotty breath. Ew ew ew. Haven’t I ever told you that giggling and silliness are not allowed in this household? Well, then why are you giggling? No coughing allowed either. Now, go wash your hands, and then what should we do? Type what? Every what? Infinity infinity infinity infinity. You said type everything. So, infinity. Yes? What is it my darling snotty child? That would take 33 years. Type what? What about? Ask me a question. You still can’t understand. You won’t be able to understand how much I love you until you become a mommy yourself. And then you won’t believe it, because you’ll think you love your children more than any other mommy in the whole wide world loves her children, even more than I love you. That’s how much I love you. So I’d love to tell you all about it, but you still won’t know for many many years."
She was uncontrollably giggling through about the first half of this. Then, the question she asked was, "What have you wanted me to understand since I was a baby, but I couldn't understand then?"
"I love Eliana so very very much that I am going to kiss her a zillion times. Don't run away, not right now. I have a whole lifetime to keep kissing her and kissing her. Plus she’s sick and snotty and so am I. So why would I want to kiss her right now? Yucky. Ew. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew. Get off! No more kisses! Please please please. Ew now she’s touching her stinky feet. Eeeeew. Go wash your hands. Maybe you should put on some socks. Weren’t you going to read some more? Or are you having too much fun watching Doctor Who? No sneezing allowed. Ew no don't kiss me now. Phew, but I could smell your snotty breath. Ew ew ew. Haven’t I ever told you that giggling and silliness are not allowed in this household? Well, then why are you giggling? No coughing allowed either. Now, go wash your hands, and then what should we do? Type what? Every what? Infinity infinity infinity infinity. You said type everything. So, infinity. Yes? What is it my darling snotty child? That would take 33 years. Type what? What about? Ask me a question. You still can’t understand. You won’t be able to understand how much I love you until you become a mommy yourself. And then you won’t believe it, because you’ll think you love your children more than any other mommy in the whole wide world loves her children, even more than I love you. That’s how much I love you. So I’d love to tell you all about it, but you still won’t know for many many years."
She was uncontrollably giggling through about the first half of this. Then, the question she asked was, "What have you wanted me to understand since I was a baby, but I couldn't understand then?"
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Rosh Hashanah
When I first became Jewish, Passover was my favorite holiday, probably because the seder reminded me of Thanksgiving, and I liked spending time with family. Since having kids, especially Donovan, my favorite has switched to Rosh Hashanah.
I love my children's wonder at our ancient and plentiful world and our small but important place in it. I love teaching them how crucial good relationships are and what integrity means. I love that they enjoy the symbols and rituals (and let's be honest, they don't feel that way about Passover).
I love remembering sitting down to eat with my girls on the first night four years ago, going on 21 hours of broken water without contractions, and having all my worries about not going into labor at home just melt away from me. I always seem to spend Rosh Hashanah remembering my emotional experience of that time and of his birth, and then focusing more on him on September 30th: his amazing growth and development, and his enjoyment of being the birthday boy. It's almost as though I view Rosh Hashanah as my birthing day and the 30th as his birthday.
I love my children's wonder at our ancient and plentiful world and our small but important place in it. I love teaching them how crucial good relationships are and what integrity means. I love that they enjoy the symbols and rituals (and let's be honest, they don't feel that way about Passover).
I love remembering sitting down to eat with my girls on the first night four years ago, going on 21 hours of broken water without contractions, and having all my worries about not going into labor at home just melt away from me. I always seem to spend Rosh Hashanah remembering my emotional experience of that time and of his birth, and then focusing more on him on September 30th: his amazing growth and development, and his enjoyment of being the birthday boy. It's almost as though I view Rosh Hashanah as my birthing day and the 30th as his birthday.
I love being prompted every year to examine myself and honestly appraise my real shortcomings rather than the false or shallow shortcomings I tend to focus on throughout the year. We all get so bogged down in the moment, overly criticizing ourselves for small mistakes, missing the bigger picture. At Rosh Hashanah, I have to intensely look at the whole picture of who I am and who I want to be. It's a big job and an incredible opportunity that I am grateful to have.
Shanah Tovah!
Monday, July 16, 2012
My family, in a nutshell
Me: "How much do you love me?"
Eliana: "Infinity times infinity."
Kesenia: "A thousand chocolate much."
Donovan: "Peanut butter and jelly!"
My husband: "Thirty-five qualsarcs."
Eliana: "Infinity times infinity."
Kesenia: "A thousand chocolate much."
Donovan: "Peanut butter and jelly!"
My husband: "Thirty-five qualsarcs."
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Eliana on her birth day
Some memories of my babygirl on her birth day nine years ago:
She pushed her own way out of me, and cried when only her head was born. I have a visual of her feet pressing a strange lump out of my belly at the top of my uterus when the contour of my belly had otherwise flattened due to her head being all the way out and her chest in my pelvis, with the accompanying sound clip memory of her first cry.
She moved constantly during labor.
She looked exactly like her father from the very moment she was born. Acknowledging this was the first conscious thought I had when she was laid on my belly.
Her eyelashes were incredible. The nurse commented on them right away.
She intently examined Scott while he held her for the longest while.
She was awesomely round and delicious, and covered in soft fur that lasted years and years. Some of it is still there.
She had dimples that showed when she made some facial expressions, and they were not in the usual dimple spot, but much higher, on the top of her cheekbones near her eye. I still see them when she smiles a certain way.
Happy, happy birthday baby. You know that I didn't like some of the things that happened when I was giving birth to you, but I'm glad you also know that your arrival made me unspeakably happy, that I was awash in love for you from the very first moment I touched you, and that I treasure the memories of us in your birth. What you may not know is that motherhood is much the same - no matter what happens, always, always, love trumps the rest. I love you, daughter of my heart.
She pushed her own way out of me, and cried when only her head was born. I have a visual of her feet pressing a strange lump out of my belly at the top of my uterus when the contour of my belly had otherwise flattened due to her head being all the way out and her chest in my pelvis, with the accompanying sound clip memory of her first cry.
She moved constantly during labor.
She looked exactly like her father from the very moment she was born. Acknowledging this was the first conscious thought I had when she was laid on my belly.
Her eyelashes were incredible. The nurse commented on them right away.
She intently examined Scott while he held her for the longest while.
She was awesomely round and delicious, and covered in soft fur that lasted years and years. Some of it is still there.
She had dimples that showed when she made some facial expressions, and they were not in the usual dimple spot, but much higher, on the top of her cheekbones near her eye. I still see them when she smiles a certain way.
Happy, happy birthday baby. You know that I didn't like some of the things that happened when I was giving birth to you, but I'm glad you also know that your arrival made me unspeakably happy, that I was awash in love for you from the very first moment I touched you, and that I treasure the memories of us in your birth. What you may not know is that motherhood is much the same - no matter what happens, always, always, love trumps the rest. I love you, daughter of my heart.
Friday, June 22, 2012
Crossroads
The past several months, I've focused on living in the moment with my kids, but I've also been looking back at the past several years to try to glean the life lessons I learned. In the past few weeks, I've increasingly been looking forward at the paths I can choose for my career and how they would impact my family life. Right now I see four:
1. Home birth midwife. Despite this having been the ultimate goal of the academic and apprenticeship program leading toward my California midwifery license, at this time, I find this to be the least likely choice. The six months away from call has impressed upon me that my family life did suffer while I was on call and that my desire to be off call came from more than pure burnout. On the other hand, perhaps six months simply wasn't enough time to recover, so I'm not going to take this option off my list yet.
2. Hospital midwife. I always had an ultimate goal of serving women in the hospital. When I began my apprenticeship, I hoped to practice home birth midwifery for 15 to 20 years and then return to school to become a CNM, switching gears to hospital birth. I believe that the 99% of women who give birth in the hospital deserve compassionate, evidence-based care just as much as the 1% who birth at home. I'm also clear about the challenges of being a CNM in the hospital: the lack of independence, the protocols that defy the evidence, the reduced time with clients. Those challenges are not the only stumbling block I would have to choose to overcome; after spending 3 years working toward obtaining my license, there is little appeal to starting from scratch and working through 3-5 more years of school to get my MSN and certify as a nurse-midwife. The upside of this option, other than the call to serve, is that I would have a schedule. It also pays well enough that I could work part-time and still contribute financially to my family, and offers malpractice insurance.
3. Birth center midwife. There is a birth center in the north bay, and ones in various stages of planning in Berkeley, Napa, and Modesto. Some of these would entail quite a commute, but I could see myself working one clinic day and one 24-hour period of on-call work by staying in the town that day, for example, if any of these birth centers needed that type of help. This option would have the benefit of the schedule (including scheduled, limited call time) and of working within the model of midwifery care rather than medical care, but would likely pay little and may have some of the drawbacks of hospital care, such as lack of time with clients or continuity of care. Plus, like all other licensed midwife options, there's no safety net of malpractice insurance. I would need to learn Spanish for two of these birth centers - which is actually a plus.
4. Consultant midwife. My biggest short-term idea for a career path is to begin my own business providing supplementary care to women planning hospital birth. This would not involve care during the birth - they could also hire a doula if they wanted birth care - but would entail several prenatal and/or postpartum visits in which I would provide all the care that home birth midwives provide their clients that OBs and Kaiser midwives don't have the time (or in some instances, such as holistic options, the knowledge) to provide. I would also provide home induction services to help women start labor without hospital intervention. I am very excited about this idea, as I think there is a huge need for this, particularly in the bay area, where there is a large number of women who desire the kind of self-mastered, education-driven health care that our current hospital maternity care system is ill equipped to provide on its own. I would make my own hours and be my own boss, which highly appeals to this child of freelance musicians. However, I would be giving up attending births, and after six months of sabbatical, I already miss birth.
There are also some other ideas floating around in my head, such as lactation consulting, which I'd always intended to do next after getting my license, though burning out ended that idea in the short term.
Much to consider, and I'm leaving all these ideas open. My current plan for the remainder of the year is to work on a model for the consultant midwife business, and try to enroll in one class at a junior college or CSU East Bay to start finishing the prerequisites for the three nursing schools I would apply to if I decide to go that route. I also hope to be called every now and then to assist any midwives within striking distance, to keep my skills and sensibilities fresh. I just got a lead on this today, and surprised myself by tearing up with relief and happiness at the prospect of getting to attend another home birth sometime soon.
Clarity would be nice, and sometimes I get frustrated that I'd really like to both be a home birth midwife and the kind of mom that I am when I'm not on call, but looking at all the options available to me, I feel blessed to be able to have these choices to make, and comforted that regardless of the path I choose, I will be serving women and families. I'm also grateful for what clarity I have managed to glean that has helped me refocus my priorities on my family.
1. Home birth midwife. Despite this having been the ultimate goal of the academic and apprenticeship program leading toward my California midwifery license, at this time, I find this to be the least likely choice. The six months away from call has impressed upon me that my family life did suffer while I was on call and that my desire to be off call came from more than pure burnout. On the other hand, perhaps six months simply wasn't enough time to recover, so I'm not going to take this option off my list yet.
2. Hospital midwife. I always had an ultimate goal of serving women in the hospital. When I began my apprenticeship, I hoped to practice home birth midwifery for 15 to 20 years and then return to school to become a CNM, switching gears to hospital birth. I believe that the 99% of women who give birth in the hospital deserve compassionate, evidence-based care just as much as the 1% who birth at home. I'm also clear about the challenges of being a CNM in the hospital: the lack of independence, the protocols that defy the evidence, the reduced time with clients. Those challenges are not the only stumbling block I would have to choose to overcome; after spending 3 years working toward obtaining my license, there is little appeal to starting from scratch and working through 3-5 more years of school to get my MSN and certify as a nurse-midwife. The upside of this option, other than the call to serve, is that I would have a schedule. It also pays well enough that I could work part-time and still contribute financially to my family, and offers malpractice insurance.
3. Birth center midwife. There is a birth center in the north bay, and ones in various stages of planning in Berkeley, Napa, and Modesto. Some of these would entail quite a commute, but I could see myself working one clinic day and one 24-hour period of on-call work by staying in the town that day, for example, if any of these birth centers needed that type of help. This option would have the benefit of the schedule (including scheduled, limited call time) and of working within the model of midwifery care rather than medical care, but would likely pay little and may have some of the drawbacks of hospital care, such as lack of time with clients or continuity of care. Plus, like all other licensed midwife options, there's no safety net of malpractice insurance. I would need to learn Spanish for two of these birth centers - which is actually a plus.
4. Consultant midwife. My biggest short-term idea for a career path is to begin my own business providing supplementary care to women planning hospital birth. This would not involve care during the birth - they could also hire a doula if they wanted birth care - but would entail several prenatal and/or postpartum visits in which I would provide all the care that home birth midwives provide their clients that OBs and Kaiser midwives don't have the time (or in some instances, such as holistic options, the knowledge) to provide. I would also provide home induction services to help women start labor without hospital intervention. I am very excited about this idea, as I think there is a huge need for this, particularly in the bay area, where there is a large number of women who desire the kind of self-mastered, education-driven health care that our current hospital maternity care system is ill equipped to provide on its own. I would make my own hours and be my own boss, which highly appeals to this child of freelance musicians. However, I would be giving up attending births, and after six months of sabbatical, I already miss birth.
There are also some other ideas floating around in my head, such as lactation consulting, which I'd always intended to do next after getting my license, though burning out ended that idea in the short term.
Much to consider, and I'm leaving all these ideas open. My current plan for the remainder of the year is to work on a model for the consultant midwife business, and try to enroll in one class at a junior college or CSU East Bay to start finishing the prerequisites for the three nursing schools I would apply to if I decide to go that route. I also hope to be called every now and then to assist any midwives within striking distance, to keep my skills and sensibilities fresh. I just got a lead on this today, and surprised myself by tearing up with relief and happiness at the prospect of getting to attend another home birth sometime soon.
Clarity would be nice, and sometimes I get frustrated that I'd really like to both be a home birth midwife and the kind of mom that I am when I'm not on call, but looking at all the options available to me, I feel blessed to be able to have these choices to make, and comforted that regardless of the path I choose, I will be serving women and families. I'm also grateful for what clarity I have managed to glean that has helped me refocus my priorities on my family.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Boy parts
D, during his required post-bath towel cuddle:
"Mommy, this is my penis."
Me: "Yes it is."
D: "And where is my scrotum?"
Me: "Right there."
D: "What is my scrotum?"
Me: "That's it."
D: "No, WHAT IS IT??? Like, my penis pees. My anus poops. What is my scrotum?"
Me: "You mean, what does it do? What is it for?"
D: "Yeah."
Me: "It keeps your testicles in it."
D: "My tessicles?"
Me: "Yes, they're very important parts of your body inside your scrotum."
D: "Can we eat them?"
Me: "No, they stay in your body, we don't eat testicles."
D: "Oh, okay. Can we eat possicles?"
Me: "Yes, eating popsicles is a much better idea."
"Mommy, this is my penis."
Me: "Yes it is."
D: "And where is my scrotum?"
Me: "Right there."
D: "What is my scrotum?"
Me: "That's it."
D: "No, WHAT IS IT??? Like, my penis pees. My anus poops. What is my scrotum?"
Me: "You mean, what does it do? What is it for?"
D: "Yeah."
Me: "It keeps your testicles in it."
D: "My tessicles?"
Me: "Yes, they're very important parts of your body inside your scrotum."
D: "Can we eat them?"
Me: "No, they stay in your body, we don't eat testicles."
D: "Oh, okay. Can we eat possicles?"
Me: "Yes, eating popsicles is a much better idea."
Body
Last night, I went swimsuit shopping. It's a story for another time, but in short, my clothes don't fit me anymore because I gained 10 pounds during a two week course of prednisone that I needed for an allergic reaction to amoxicillin. That weight gain has made me 10 pounds heavier than I have ever been outside of pregnancy or postpartum.
I laughed at myself for the conflict I always have between my ideal (self-acceptance, focus on inner beauty rather than outer) and reality (hot damn I am a perfectionist). I didn't enjoy seeing a higher number on the swimsuit tag than ever before. I found things about my body that I'd love to change - some that will change as I work to lose that prednisone weight, and some that won't because that's just how my body is built thanks to genetics and my nine pound babies. But I also appreciated things. I appreciated the fact that the Victoria's Secret body I used to have has been replaced by something much more important: a mother's body. I appreciated the way the extra weight has contributed to the boobs. Most importantly, I appreciated my health and the availability of the powerful drug that kept a miserable allergic reaction from crossing over into a life-threatening one. I appreciated that I'd matured enough to have this perspective, having no idea that the perspective was about to increase further.
Right after the swimsuit purchase, I saw a young woman with an older woman whom I assume to be her mother given the way they were interacting. The older woman was obese, but not in any unusual way in today's society; I never would have noticed her weight under normal circumstances. It was her daughter's weight that brought my attention to it.
This young woman was the thinnest person I have ever seen. This is an understatement. The first part of her that I saw was her shoulder, and I thought it was deformed for a moment before I realized it was just lacking all muscle and fat. As I changed focus and saw her whole body, my eyes stung with tears, my stomach lurched, and I recognized that I risked hyperventilating in time to take slow, conscious breaths. Living death was walking in front of me. I worked to control my body, to breathe, to keep blinking my tears back, to keep my shaking to a small tremble, and in doing so I let my thoughts go.
"Anorexia. Could it be anything else? Chemo? Genetic disease? No, she's wearing other hallmarks of anorexia, the makeup and hair coloring that obscure her, and that hair is eating disorder hair, not chemo hair, not healthy hair. She's got months to live if nothing changes, I can't believe she's not hospitalized, she's got a week or few before that, or maybe they just let her out? No, they wouldn't, not with her still so skinny. Her mother, doesn't she see it? It's so severe, how could she not see it? Has she fought her heart out to save her, but it's a losing battle like watching your child battle a drug addiction? Does her heart break every day? Or is her image of her daughter just as distorted as her daughter's image of herself? Am I a jerk for wanting to say something to her, for wanting to just say, "Please get her help, this is dangerous"? Or am I irresponsible to let this family walk away not having said anything? Even if she gets help now, she's probably done permanent damage to her body - what will happen to her in the long-term? How can I keep my babies from this? And everyone else. This needs to end for everyone."
I wonder what percentage of Americans have a healthy relationship with their bodies and with food. I wonder what percentage of Americans are a healthy weight. Obesity poses health risks, but from the studies I've seen, the risks of underweight are even greater. All the impossibly thin people we see in the media - the "sexy" and "fit" - contribute to both underweight and overweight. People then either do all they can to conform to impossible standards to the point that healthy choices are disregarded, or recognize that it's impossible and giving up to the point that healthy choices are disregarded. The food crisis contributes too - if your food isn't nutritious, you can either eat too much of it in an effort to get your needs met, or you can easily starve yourself since you weren't getting your nutritional needs met in the first place.
Of course, it's not just our society; true anorexia nervosa is a mental illness that crosses cultural boundaries. But just as the asceticism of the medieval church led to a rash of anorexia then, our culture is embracing ideals that contribute now.
Eating disorders have a higher mortality rate than any other mental health disorder. If you or someone you know struggles with one, please intervene as soon as you recognize it. It's not worth your health.
http://www.anad.org/
I laughed at myself for the conflict I always have between my ideal (self-acceptance, focus on inner beauty rather than outer) and reality (hot damn I am a perfectionist). I didn't enjoy seeing a higher number on the swimsuit tag than ever before. I found things about my body that I'd love to change - some that will change as I work to lose that prednisone weight, and some that won't because that's just how my body is built thanks to genetics and my nine pound babies. But I also appreciated things. I appreciated the fact that the Victoria's Secret body I used to have has been replaced by something much more important: a mother's body. I appreciated the way the extra weight has contributed to the boobs. Most importantly, I appreciated my health and the availability of the powerful drug that kept a miserable allergic reaction from crossing over into a life-threatening one. I appreciated that I'd matured enough to have this perspective, having no idea that the perspective was about to increase further.
Right after the swimsuit purchase, I saw a young woman with an older woman whom I assume to be her mother given the way they were interacting. The older woman was obese, but not in any unusual way in today's society; I never would have noticed her weight under normal circumstances. It was her daughter's weight that brought my attention to it.
This young woman was the thinnest person I have ever seen. This is an understatement. The first part of her that I saw was her shoulder, and I thought it was deformed for a moment before I realized it was just lacking all muscle and fat. As I changed focus and saw her whole body, my eyes stung with tears, my stomach lurched, and I recognized that I risked hyperventilating in time to take slow, conscious breaths. Living death was walking in front of me. I worked to control my body, to breathe, to keep blinking my tears back, to keep my shaking to a small tremble, and in doing so I let my thoughts go.
"Anorexia. Could it be anything else? Chemo? Genetic disease? No, she's wearing other hallmarks of anorexia, the makeup and hair coloring that obscure her, and that hair is eating disorder hair, not chemo hair, not healthy hair. She's got months to live if nothing changes, I can't believe she's not hospitalized, she's got a week or few before that, or maybe they just let her out? No, they wouldn't, not with her still so skinny. Her mother, doesn't she see it? It's so severe, how could she not see it? Has she fought her heart out to save her, but it's a losing battle like watching your child battle a drug addiction? Does her heart break every day? Or is her image of her daughter just as distorted as her daughter's image of herself? Am I a jerk for wanting to say something to her, for wanting to just say, "Please get her help, this is dangerous"? Or am I irresponsible to let this family walk away not having said anything? Even if she gets help now, she's probably done permanent damage to her body - what will happen to her in the long-term? How can I keep my babies from this? And everyone else. This needs to end for everyone."
I wonder what percentage of Americans have a healthy relationship with their bodies and with food. I wonder what percentage of Americans are a healthy weight. Obesity poses health risks, but from the studies I've seen, the risks of underweight are even greater. All the impossibly thin people we see in the media - the "sexy" and "fit" - contribute to both underweight and overweight. People then either do all they can to conform to impossible standards to the point that healthy choices are disregarded, or recognize that it's impossible and giving up to the point that healthy choices are disregarded. The food crisis contributes too - if your food isn't nutritious, you can either eat too much of it in an effort to get your needs met, or you can easily starve yourself since you weren't getting your nutritional needs met in the first place.
Of course, it's not just our society; true anorexia nervosa is a mental illness that crosses cultural boundaries. But just as the asceticism of the medieval church led to a rash of anorexia then, our culture is embracing ideals that contribute now.
Eating disorders have a higher mortality rate than any other mental health disorder. If you or someone you know struggles with one, please intervene as soon as you recognize it. It's not worth your health.
http://www.anad.org/
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