The Facts of Life

When it comes to anatomy and physiology, Elly is on top of her game. She understands bone v. muscle, blood through the heart, oxygen through breathing, the way cuts and bruises heal, etc. She knows what death is and hates the very idea. She knows a penis from a vulva, and how adults look different from kids.

And, being my child, she not only knows how babies are born, she is highly interested in the whole process. She saw my cervix when she was 3 years old (thank you, Beah). Also at barely three, when my periods came back after Kessa's birth, she asked all sorts of questions and learned about periods. ("What's that?" "Blood." "Do you have an owie?" "No, that just happens to grown-up mommies when there's no baby in their belly." "Why?" "Because babies need the blood to grow, but if there's no baby the mommy doesn't need the blood so it comes out." "But why isn't there a baby in your belly?" "uuuuuuhhhhhh." "I know why... because it already came out! It's Kessa!") She knows that babies start out tiny and grow bigger until they're real babies who are ready to come out. She knows they come out the vagina and the vagina stretches wide to let the baby through, and that it can hurt but that's OK because it does not harm the mommy. She knows that some babies come out at the hospital, some in a "midwife house" and some at home. She knows that some babies have to come out through a cut in the mommy's belly. She knows that sometimes mommies have two babies in their belly.

And she recently figured out a very important fact of life: that all of this is the domain of women. Men do not give birth.

"Mommy, why can't men have babies?"
"Because they don't have a uterus."

That satisfied her for a week. Then came:

"Mommy, men don't have uteruses, right? What do men have instead of a uterus?"

OK, where do babies come from I was prepared for. What do men have instead of a uterus... not so much. I can't remember exactly what I said, but I think it was something about we could look in a book together and see what's on the inside of a man's body. She hasn't brought it up again, so she still doesn't know what a man has instead of a uterus... and I have a feeling when it comes up again, I'll also be explaining how the baby gets in the mommy's uterus.

Elly quotes

Half-stomping, half-flouncing down the hallway to her room, having been given a time-out, while in dress-up clothes:
"Princesses don't go to their rooms."

Upon having an argument over whether Kes needed to apologize for having misread Elly's intentions, which degraded into semantics:
"But it's Kessa's fault!"
"She just made a mistake."
"Fault means mistake! Fault means mistake in Jewish!"
(Later, upon my asking her to explain the meaning of the word "fault" to Scott: "Fault means mistake in Hebrew.")

During a discussion of personal safety and body boundaries:
"I don't want to talk about this anymore. It's over."
(YEAH!!! Way to set boundaries, Elly!!! But, how to have the discussion later without scaring her? Time to look into books...)

Ooh, speaking of books, Eliana is really reading! She can read "Biscuit" and a bunch of small early readers. Very simple words still, and many phonemes with letter combos are still being introduced (including th which is a toughie since she still can't actually say th and says f. it'll get there.) It makes me cry because it is just a miracle. This child slipped from my womb 4 years ago and now she reads. Watching her turn marks on a page into sounds, words, stories to enjoy... watching her pride in herself and her pleasure at my pride in her... it is amazing.

Eliana has had a big increase in wanting to be cuddled, hugged, kissed, and told she is loved lately. It is wonderful for me after over 1.5 years of being pretty standoffish from me. I guess she has adequately affirmed to herself that she is an individual and can now come back for affection and admit a desire for some dependence. I am enjoying it but am also having a hard time finding where to draw boundaries with discipline - our standard has been some time in her room, usually just to cool down, though sometimes as a time-out. Now the reaction is a heartbreaking cry with "but I want my mommy! I want a hug!" Also she is using it at bedtime to get attention from me without getting in trouble for being out of bed - she will come out of bed just to get a quick hug or even for me to blow a kiss at her down the hallway. On the one hand, I can tell she is testing me. On the other hand, I see it as indicative of a need for reassurance that I love her and want to be with her. I am trying to fulfill it during the day, but when it spills over into night, I do not think it is necessarily the right thing to deny affection. I don't believe in limiting the hours during which I will parent lovingly.

I can remember being even 9 years old and coming out to my parents when my braces had been tightened and were hurting me. I remember knowing they couldn't fix it but just wanting to connect with them to take a bit of love back with me to my room while I tried to fall asleep through the pain. Usually, I got that, though sometimes my mother was frustrated that I was out of bed. I try to carry my childhood memories into my parenting - remember why I acted as I did, what I really needed, what responses were helpful. I try to remember that there are always needs behind behavior. Lately Eliana has been unpleasantly demanding and contentious quite often and it has been hard to focus on underlying needs, or to begin to fathom exactly what is driving this behavior, but I am starting to have some ideas. At the very least, I can focus on continuing to be a positive model for her and reflecting her inner value, by staying patient, positive, and keeping at the surface the unconditional love that is always within.

Sassy Elly

Elly's latest bit of sass:

Last Friday we were having our usual morning cuddle. Elly was starting to get restless and was blowing air through her lips, "Puh, puh." I said, "Elly, that's getting little bits of spit on me, stop please." She said, "No, mommy, I'm not spitting." Me: "I know you aren't trying to spit on me, but what you're doing is getting a bit of spit on me. Stop, please." Elly: "No, Mommy, that's not spitting. THIS is spitting." Ptui!

Sass and spitfire

Eliana has started sassing. It pisses me off, and it cracks me up. Fortunately, the two play off each other so that I can calmly deal with the situation without getting upset or laughing in front of her. The other day I gave her two choices and she didn't like either, so she said, "No, Mommy. You do (whatever). That's your Only Choice." I tried again and she repeated herself a little more rudely "No, you listen to ME" so I left the room and closed the door behind me and told her she could come out when she was ready to listen and stop sassing. It was a preschool morning so a few minutes later I stopped by and poked my head in and said, "Are you ready to stop sassing and say sorry to Mommy for being sassy?" She said, "YOU say sorry to ME for sassing. You sassed me, Mommy, that is not OK." I said, "I see you need a few more minutes," closed the door again, ran to the other room, and fell over laughing, PO'd at the same time.

Kes is throwing some really good fits lately too... and pulling hair. Especially Elly's hair (Elly incites her). She pulls her clothes, too, when Elly gets into her space and she feels threatened. What busts me up is she'll grab at Elly's clothes 5 or 6 times in quick succession, with this huge stormy look on her face, and then suddenly her eyes will pop wide open and she'll smile and throw her arms around Elly and give her a huge kiss. Like, "Oh crap, what am I doing? I LOVE sister! Sorry!" Kes stopped calling me Mama, for the most part, and calls me Mommy now. For two days she couldn't say the first M, and it was so cute. "Aahhh-mi! Aahh-mi!" I was kind of sad when she got the hang of it so fast.

They are playing together a ton lately, and actually do a great job of cooperating, overall. Someone asked me what it's like to have two kids, and I told her that as much as I love each of them, the most rewarding thing in my entire life has been watching them love each other. It's pretty humbling to watch them blossom together. I'm so glad they're so close and hope they stay that way into old age.