On the highest bleacher: "Mommy, I'm very at the toppest."
dr = gr
grink
gress
gragonfly
grain
graw
gream
gry
grip
grive
grop
grum
Target = Tigret
dinosaur = dinafour
shoes = foos
"I'm going to the doctor."
Why?
"Because my family's at there."
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Elly quotes
A recent morning, sick: "I love Mommy mucher than Daddy."
When Scott came home this evening (she is still getting over her cold): "Daddy, daddy! Mommy gave me some honey, just honey by itself, because I sounded like a 13 year old boy. It was sweet. But there's still a lot left in the jar."
Elly: "Mommy, I want a baby to come out of your belly now."
Me: "It can't come out because there's nothing in there."
Elly: "But when it comes out, can I see it?"
Me: "Sure. It takes a long time for a baby to come out, so Grandma will take care of you, and she'll bring you in when it's time for the baby to be born."
Elly: "No, Mommy. I want to see the whole. I don't want to miss anything!"
(Hmmm... maybe she does take after me just a little bit.)
She's obsessed with the gender of the mice in a book we have: "Mommy, wait, don't turn the page. I have to keep looking."
Me: "What are you looking for?"
Elly: "I want to see if they're boys or girls. I don't see any penis in their fur. Maybe they're all girls!"
(Yeah, or maybe it wouldn't be appropriate to draw mouse genitalia in a children's book.)
Scott: "What kind of bird is that?" (pointing to vulture in book)
Elly: "A pelican."
Scott: "No, I think it's a vulture."
Elly: "Well, pelican is vulture in Hebrew."
When Scott came home this evening (she is still getting over her cold): "Daddy, daddy! Mommy gave me some honey, just honey by itself, because I sounded like a 13 year old boy. It was sweet. But there's still a lot left in the jar."
Elly: "Mommy, I want a baby to come out of your belly now."
Me: "It can't come out because there's nothing in there."
Elly: "But when it comes out, can I see it?"
Me: "Sure. It takes a long time for a baby to come out, so Grandma will take care of you, and she'll bring you in when it's time for the baby to be born."
Elly: "No, Mommy. I want to see the whole. I don't want to miss anything!"
(Hmmm... maybe she does take after me just a little bit.)
She's obsessed with the gender of the mice in a book we have: "Mommy, wait, don't turn the page. I have to keep looking."
Me: "What are you looking for?"
Elly: "I want to see if they're boys or girls. I don't see any penis in their fur. Maybe they're all girls!"
(Yeah, or maybe it wouldn't be appropriate to draw mouse genitalia in a children's book.)
Scott: "What kind of bird is that?" (pointing to vulture in book)
Elly: "A pelican."
Scott: "No, I think it's a vulture."
Elly: "Well, pelican is vulture in Hebrew."
Revamping discipline
We recently underwent a major discipline revamping. A letter that I wrote to preschool in response to hearing about issues (and noticing a bit of a personality conflict with a teacher) sums them up pretty well. So, for posterity:
It has come to my attention that Eliana is testing limits and pushing buttons at preschool. Well, that sounds like the Eliana I know and love (though I’m not enamored with this behavior). I have some years of experience both working and living with children, and Eliana broke the mold of standard discipline techniques I’d learned and used. They simply did not work to improve her behavior. Worse, I started seeing negative impacts on her emotional security. So, I started brainstorming and reading, looking for a new approach. I want to share with you what has helped us so far. Here are some of the strong personality traits Eliana exhibits, with examples of how I try to respect her personality while deterring undesirable behavior:
Intensity. This trait refers to the strength of emotional reactions. “Intense” is the one word that best captures Eliana’s personality! It helps to understand that Eliana is not being “dramatic” but really does feel very deeply, both positively and negatively. Please try to be patient with her strong negative reactions, and enjoy the enthusiasm of her positive ones. Here are some ways I address her undesirable outbursts:
• First and foremost, I counteract her intensity by staying calm (well… I do my best).
• “You’re having really big feelings right now. That’s okay. I’ll wait for you to calm yourself enough to talk.” I use this when she is crying about not having her way, either with me or with her sister. When it’s a fight with her sister, sometimes I add, “I can help you find the words to work it out together.” Often it calms her right away, perhaps because she feels heard.
• “It’s okay to be upset, but it’s not okay to [scream, throw something, etc]. Go ahead and let your [sads, angries, etc] out,” (sometimes providing choices on how to do so appropriately,) “and then you need to [say sorry, pick it up, etc.] and I hope you’ll use some words to tell me about your feelings.” If she was upset about something I am asking her to do, I add, “I will still expect you to do what I said.”
Seriousness. Eliana can be very silly, but overall she is quite serious. I believe this combines with her intensity to make her sound very impolite sometimes. (Another factor is mirroring, discussed below.) Eliana usually responds very well to a second chance to be polite! Here are some examples of how I give her that second chance:
• “I know you can say that more politely. Please show me.”
• “Yes, I will, but it makes me much happier to do it when you ask politely.”
• “[Your sister, your friends, I] like to hear polite words from you.”
• “Try that again, please.”
Perceptiveness. Eliana frequently tells me about small details I never pick up on. Sometimes, I have a hard time getting her attention, even when I am saying something I know she will like. (“Eliana, do you want chocolate ice cream or cookies and cream?”) It can feel like evasion, but it is usually not; instead it is difficulty with shifting focus to me from other stimuli. Please use your knowledge of this personality trait to remember that she is not “ignoring” you, but that she needs gentle help shifting her attention to you and/or your needs. Here are ways I do that:
• Touch her gently and bend down close to her face. Speak gently and positively.
• “Eliana, you want to keep [looking at, doing, thinking about, xyz] but I am talking to you. Please listen now and answer me/do what I am telling you.”
• “You’re noticing interesting things, but I need you to focus on me right now.”
• “I want to hear all about that, but first answer my question (or do what I’m telling you) and you can tell me about it [in X timeframe].” Eliana hates the word later; it is too imprecise. (A week?)
Mirroring. Eliana’s behavior is very strongly linked to that of the people who are around her. I think all kids do this to some degree, but for Eliana it’s huge. So, it helps to maintain a polite and patient demeanor with her, even when she is pushing our buttons. I know this is hard especially for anyone who is intense and/or serious like she is, but it can mean the difference between helping her out of a funk or making it worse (or even starting it). Mirroring also can be used to help - if I am maintaining my calm and she is nevertheless talking rudely or yelling, it can help her calm down when I tell her, “I am [angry, frustrated, etc] but I am not yelling at you. Please use a friendly voice with me too.”
Self-labeling. Right now especially, Eliana is generalizing behavior into personality. Many of the conventional discipline techniques that I have used in the past, such as time-out and consequences, have not changed her behavior for the better, but rather for the worse. I believe those techniques communicated to her that she was “a bad girl.” (I have never used the term bad girl to refer to her or anybody; those words bother me.) That happened gradually, but it also works specifically: if I speak to her like I expect defiance, I’ll get defiance. On the other hand, anticipating good behavior really helps her show good behavior. By always treating Eliana in such a way that she can label herself as “good”, we can help increase the likelihood that she will respond positively in the moment, and also increase the overall number of good choices that she makes.
I know this is long, so let me sum up what I am hoping to communicate to you:
• As with all kids, consistency is key, but Eliana needs a bit more to help her with her intense personality.
• Maintaining patience, calm, and positivity with Eliana helps her cope with her intensity, prevents negative mirroring and self-labeling, and teaches her desirable behaviors.
• My overall short-term goal is to help her understand that it’s okay to be who she is, but that certain behaviors are not okay, and to teach her what the appropriate behaviors are.
• My long-term goal is to help her blossom into a grown woman whose strong personality traits are channeled into positive outlets.
It has come to my attention that Eliana is testing limits and pushing buttons at preschool. Well, that sounds like the Eliana I know and love (though I’m not enamored with this behavior). I have some years of experience both working and living with children, and Eliana broke the mold of standard discipline techniques I’d learned and used. They simply did not work to improve her behavior. Worse, I started seeing negative impacts on her emotional security. So, I started brainstorming and reading, looking for a new approach. I want to share with you what has helped us so far. Here are some of the strong personality traits Eliana exhibits, with examples of how I try to respect her personality while deterring undesirable behavior:
Intensity. This trait refers to the strength of emotional reactions. “Intense” is the one word that best captures Eliana’s personality! It helps to understand that Eliana is not being “dramatic” but really does feel very deeply, both positively and negatively. Please try to be patient with her strong negative reactions, and enjoy the enthusiasm of her positive ones. Here are some ways I address her undesirable outbursts:
• First and foremost, I counteract her intensity by staying calm (well… I do my best).
• “You’re having really big feelings right now. That’s okay. I’ll wait for you to calm yourself enough to talk.” I use this when she is crying about not having her way, either with me or with her sister. When it’s a fight with her sister, sometimes I add, “I can help you find the words to work it out together.” Often it calms her right away, perhaps because she feels heard.
• “It’s okay to be upset, but it’s not okay to [scream, throw something, etc]. Go ahead and let your [sads, angries, etc] out,” (sometimes providing choices on how to do so appropriately,) “and then you need to [say sorry, pick it up, etc.] and I hope you’ll use some words to tell me about your feelings.” If she was upset about something I am asking her to do, I add, “I will still expect you to do what I said.”
Seriousness. Eliana can be very silly, but overall she is quite serious. I believe this combines with her intensity to make her sound very impolite sometimes. (Another factor is mirroring, discussed below.) Eliana usually responds very well to a second chance to be polite! Here are some examples of how I give her that second chance:
• “I know you can say that more politely. Please show me.”
• “Yes, I will, but it makes me much happier to do it when you ask politely.”
• “[Your sister, your friends, I] like to hear polite words from you.”
• “Try that again, please.”
Perceptiveness. Eliana frequently tells me about small details I never pick up on. Sometimes, I have a hard time getting her attention, even when I am saying something I know she will like. (“Eliana, do you want chocolate ice cream or cookies and cream?”) It can feel like evasion, but it is usually not; instead it is difficulty with shifting focus to me from other stimuli. Please use your knowledge of this personality trait to remember that she is not “ignoring” you, but that she needs gentle help shifting her attention to you and/or your needs. Here are ways I do that:
• Touch her gently and bend down close to her face. Speak gently and positively.
• “Eliana, you want to keep [looking at, doing, thinking about, xyz] but I am talking to you. Please listen now and answer me/do what I am telling you.”
• “You’re noticing interesting things, but I need you to focus on me right now.”
• “I want to hear all about that, but first answer my question (or do what I’m telling you) and you can tell me about it [in X timeframe].” Eliana hates the word later; it is too imprecise. (A week?)
Mirroring. Eliana’s behavior is very strongly linked to that of the people who are around her. I think all kids do this to some degree, but for Eliana it’s huge. So, it helps to maintain a polite and patient demeanor with her, even when she is pushing our buttons. I know this is hard especially for anyone who is intense and/or serious like she is, but it can mean the difference between helping her out of a funk or making it worse (or even starting it). Mirroring also can be used to help - if I am maintaining my calm and she is nevertheless talking rudely or yelling, it can help her calm down when I tell her, “I am [angry, frustrated, etc] but I am not yelling at you. Please use a friendly voice with me too.”
Self-labeling. Right now especially, Eliana is generalizing behavior into personality. Many of the conventional discipline techniques that I have used in the past, such as time-out and consequences, have not changed her behavior for the better, but rather for the worse. I believe those techniques communicated to her that she was “a bad girl.” (I have never used the term bad girl to refer to her or anybody; those words bother me.) That happened gradually, but it also works specifically: if I speak to her like I expect defiance, I’ll get defiance. On the other hand, anticipating good behavior really helps her show good behavior. By always treating Eliana in such a way that she can label herself as “good”, we can help increase the likelihood that she will respond positively in the moment, and also increase the overall number of good choices that she makes.
I know this is long, so let me sum up what I am hoping to communicate to you:
• As with all kids, consistency is key, but Eliana needs a bit more to help her with her intense personality.
• Maintaining patience, calm, and positivity with Eliana helps her cope with her intensity, prevents negative mirroring and self-labeling, and teaches her desirable behaviors.
• My overall short-term goal is to help her understand that it’s okay to be who she is, but that certain behaviors are not okay, and to teach her what the appropriate behaviors are.
• My long-term goal is to help her blossom into a grown woman whose strong personality traits are channeled into positive outlets.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
MY spirited child
I LOVE Raising Your Spirited Child! Works marvelously with MY spirited child, where none of the other strategies I have tried - not my own from years of experience working with children, nor those suggested by Dr. Sears(es) and E. Pantley - have ever helped her, only made both of us really really mad at each other. Now to re-read it every 3 months until it's automatic for me.
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