Monday, April 24, 2006

Deep thoughts

I usually post here just to get memories on "paper" aka cyberspace, but this is largely for my kids, and they deserve more than a play-by-play of what they did as kids. They really deserve to know a little more about me as their mom when they were little. So some of the feelings I've been having, I'm going to pour out. This may make no literary sense.

I love them and they know I love them. Which is marvelous but they really can't know. I pray they have kids, just so they learn how much I love them, b/c otherwise they won't ever totally understand. I hope I remember to tell them how much I love them every day of their lives, even when they are fourteen and hate me as much as they love me. I hope I can rein in how much I love them when I need to for their own sake, so that they can experience life as they should.

Life for them... oh may their lives be full. Laughter and love primarily. A wide variety of experiences. Friends who hold them up when they need it, who push them to expand their ideas of themselves and the world, who trust them enough to lean on them, who love them like family. The confidence in themselves do do whatever they want - whether it means being a ski bum or a nuclear physicist, an artist, author, doctor or rabbi. May they find joy all joys, no matter how small, and may they only stress about the big problems. All life has to offer. Of course there will be pain - but I hope it will be timely and with love and support as salve.

They love each other, and I hope their relationship continues to grow. As adults, may they have trust, love, and friendship, and see each other as not only sisters but friends. The last time my grandma and her sister said goodbye they were 90 and 88, and though they were such different people by then than who they'd been during their prime, their love was palpable. I wish that kind of love for my two girls.

I love them so much I can never live up to what I want to offer them as their mother. I want to show them the perfect love that is inside me, that is so impossible to get through the trappings of life, of simple humanity. I wish I could always be as patient and loving as the raw love inside me, I wish I always had the right words to say, I wish I could divine what the perfect decisions would be to help them grow into happy, secure women. I wish I could protect them from excess pain while still encouraging them to take life by the horns and experience it to the fullest. I wish I could say "Mommy will always come back to you" without knowing that someday I won't be around anymore and having to pray that they'll be grandparents before I leave them. I wish that every now and then I could just make time stand still for a second or two. Not permanently, just long enough for the moment to soak into my memory, perfectly and completely.

Signing

I haven't really done a bunch of signing with Kes. A little here and there, just enough for her to get the idea that hands can make words. Elly made up most of her signs, so I just decided to let Kes lead the way as well.

And lead the way, she has...

"Milk" is one of the signs I've done for Kes... but as I said, here and there. Whereas, whenever we sit down to nurse, I feel my breasts to figure out which side I need to nurse on. And Kes, apparently, has interpreted that as the sign for milk, because that's what she does when she wants milk now:

She pats her chest.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Elly kitten

Elly loves to pretend to be a kitty. Often she gets a little too into it, and actually starts to lick her hand. We're working on the concept of pretend.

Tonight she wanted me to be the mama kitty and for her to be the baby kitty. So I pinned her down and pretended to lick her, explaining that's how mama kitties give their babies a bath. She giggled and giggled, then sat up, gave me a serious look, and said, "Mama kitty, are you hungry for some milk?" and lifted up her shirt. I wasn't going to get technical and explain that mama kitties give their babies the milk rather than the other way around - especially since I want to encourage any self-image of a nursing mama in my little girl - so I said, "Oh yes, thank you" and pretended to nurse. She was so proud of herself. She then said, "Mama kitty are you firsty now?" and held out her hand, saying "Here's some water."

Later on she reversed the role play - she said "Mama kitty, I'm hungry, I need some milk. Please I can nurse from you?" So I lifted my shirt and left my bra up - hoping she wouldn't want to imitate Kes and really try to nurse - and she pretended to nurse from my ribcage, then she said "There. My belly is full. Now I'm firsty. Are you please have some water for me?" So I held out my hand as she'd done for me earlier.

I love playing pretend with her. Watching her use her imagination while learning about the real world at the same time is so enthralling.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

The Zoo

I have such mixed feelings about the zoo. On the one hand, zoos are so important for preservation and for educating kids and adults about animals so that their emotions might get in the mix and make them care about the environment. On the other hand, seeing the animals in zoos makes me sad. Well, I do OK til we get to the great apes. The anthropologist in me loves to watch the lower primates - when the enclosure is an adequate size with appropriate apparati, they seem to be having fun, and I think they're probably happy overall. Even the gibbons seem to be OK. But get to the chimpanzees and the gorillas and they all look at you like, "Up yours. Stop looking at me. You think you'd like it if you were on display all day? I'd like to stick you in a cage with a broken car and a fuzzy black and white VHF TV with no remote. Leave me alone." I imagine they must be as miserable as we would be in their place.

I took the girls to the Oakland Zoo earlier today. They had a great time. Kes talked to everything and everyone, except for when she fell asleep cuddled up to my back. Elly seemed to be more interested in walking around than in the animals, but apparently was taking it all in anyway, since when I asked her what her favorite animals at the zoo were, she listed off a few that I thought she hadn't paid any attention to. After the zoo, we went to the rides area. She threw a fit after we got off the merry-go-round... exactly like she did after her first merry-go-round ride ever at the age of fifteen months. It was uncanny. We had to wait through three cycles to get on the train, but she waited very patiently and insisted it was worth waiting there instead of spending the tokens on more quickly accessible rides. And she enjoyed it, so I think it was worth it for her.

We went home, I kept Elly awake in the car by talking to her and then she couldn't fall asleep at home. Kes took a short nap in the car and couldn't get back to sleep at home either. So we went to the park, which now has the water play area open! Eliana had a blast! Kes was cranky, so I cut it short and came home. Tomorrow we have a morning playdate but if it's this gorgeous maybe we'll go back to the waterpark in the afternoon. Ahhhh, spring. Finally!

Sunday, April 9, 2006

Elly quotes

Elly: "Daddy, you're a good girl."
Scott: "I'm a boy."
Elly: "You're a good boy Daddy."

Elly: "Kes is getting big!"
Me: "Yep, she's a big baby now."
Elly: "Soon she'll be a baby Elinana."

Scott started singing the four questions, and sang the second verse. Elly interrupted him: "Daddy, that's not how it goes! It goes, "Ma nishtana, halailah hazeh mikol halailot, mikol halailot."

"Mama, be very patient. I'm getting ready to play plano and sing the abc's for you. I'm putting all my animals in a row so I can sing for them too."

Friday, April 7, 2006

I take it back.

After a month of dry nights, Elly peed overnight two nights in a row, so we're back in dipes. I almost wonder if the insecurity of undies is making her bladder touchier. Well, we'll see what happens tonight in her diaper.

Wednesday, April 5, 2006

Bye-bye, night dipes

Since Elly wakes up dry the vast majority of the time, we let her sleep in padded undies last night, and the first thing I heard out of her this morning was, "I need help!" at which point I went in her room and found her with her pants around her ankles having used her blue potty upon waking. *sniff* My big girl. The night before that she woke us up at 4am to get her diaper back on after pottying in the middle of the night.

Amazing.

On that note, Kes now refuses to use the baby bjorn little potty and only pees using a potty insert on the toilet. I can put her on the little potty with no luck, take her straight to the toilet and she lets it all out. (And is pottying like a champ on it - yesterday we had no wet dipes while at home, and so far today too.) But oh my, for an eight month old, she sure has discerning taste about where she does her business.

Tuesday, April 4, 2006

Daddy's work

"Is Daddy at work?" Yep.

"Is Daddy's work far away?" Yep, it's a long drive.

"Is Daddy's work this way, or this way, or this way?" (pointing) It's that way (pointing).

"Is Daddy come home now?" Nope, Daddy will be here tomorrow in the morning when the sun comes up.

"Is the sun up?"

That Nonna loves her Dad.