Really.

"Wookit dis, Titter. It widdy, widdy, widdy, widdy, WIDDY cary. It a widdy widdy widdy cary book. I get anodder book. It too cary. How bout dis one?"

Strong

"Wookit dis, Mommy! I'm widdy widdy cwong. I *fo* cwong!"

Translation: "Look at this, Mommy! I'm really really strong. I'm *so* strong!"

At other times - "I a cwong giwl. Wookit me!"

Baby monkey

Kes was playing with her baby monkey this morning and asked where the Mommy monkey was. I said it was in our car, and Kes asked, "Mommy, a goo a car and get a mommy monkey?" I said not right now, as we were all still cuddled in bed. Elly then says, "Ooo! Ooo! Ma! Ma! Ooo ooo ma ma! Listen, the baby monkey misses his Mommy!"

Priorities

"Mommy, I want Daddy to get another house."

Me: "Oh. Should he get another house that we can all live in, or should we keep living in this one and Daddy moves out to his own house?"

Elly: "Daddy should have his own house and not live here anymore."

Me: "Why?"

Elly: "Because I want a kitty to live with us. A real kitty. A kitty like Daddy can't have."

Dear Elly

Today, you fell asleep in the middle of the living room in the middle of the afternoon. I thought, "Gee, she must need it," and tried to get some rest of my own while you slept. After a while, though, I started thinking you would have a hard time falling asleep tonight and I went over and picked you up to wake you up. Your eyes didn't even open, and you were limp in my arms. I lay down on the couch to cuddle you.

Your head rested on my chest, your ear over my heart. It reminded me of how, when you were a baby, you slept better close to me, listening to my heart. How it was as close as we could get, with you outside my body, as we had been when you were in my womb. We spent many naptimes just like that. I found myself wishing you could shrink down to that 8 lb 9 oz butterball, just for a few seconds, so I could relive that closeness between newborn you and me, and then grow right back into the marvelous four year old you have become.

Tears streamed down my cheeks as I felt the loss of baby you, and that relationship that can never be recaptured of utter connectedness, dependence, and trust. But even more, they were tears of joy, as I reveled in the amazing girl I saw before me, so proud of you for breaking out of that relationship into the one we have now, the one where each day you gain more independence from me, and we both learn more about the person you are. You daily chart new territory into the outside world and into your inner being.

And I cried more, knowing how precious these moments are, knowing in a year I will wonder where my four-year-old Elly went and what was she really like? The few wonderful memories I hold on to surely don't capture the parts of you that change so fast. But I tried to lock a picture of you in my mind anyway, studying your face: The length and shape of your eyelashes, your hairline, the rhythmic quiver of your lips and chin as you sporadically sucked your tongue (thinking, "She did inherit something from me"), your peach fuzz, your collarbone and the new freckle right below it.

Of course you are always you. I look back at videos of your infancy and I see you, as you are now, inside the effortful movements and babytalk. It reassures me that when you are an adult you will not be a stranger. You will just be you. And I will love you as much as I do now, as much as I have since the day you were born.

Thank you for the nap-cuddle today, my dear sweet four year old Eliana.

Love,
Mom

Jelly Beans

Today, as Elly napped on the living room floor and I tried to rest on the couch, Kes told me she was going to go play with Legos. I closed my eyes to rest and kept my ears open enough to know she was in the room and not going to get into trouble somewhere. I heard some very quiet noises, and wondered what she was playing with, because it didn't sound like Legos, but I was sure it was nothing to worry about and kept trying to rest.

A few minutes later, Kessa climbed up on the couch with me. I heard her chewing and asked, "What are you eating, Kes?" I smelled them, just as she answered me sheepishly, "Geddy Beans." I laughed. "Oh, did you find some Jelly Beans?" I'd forgotten that Elly and I hadn't finished them while Kes was napping earlier.

Kes cuddled me a few minutes, and then got down. I heard the whispery noise of the jelly beans again. It was clear that she was being as careful as she could, trying to be sneaky so that I wouldn't figure out what she was doing and say no. Then I felt her lean against the couch and I opened my eyes just in time to see her stop chewing. I could tell her mouth was still full of jelly beans, though - again, being sneaky! She did not want Mommy to know what she was doing.

So I closed my eyes again, and she got down. I peeked at her through my eyelashes and saw her go over to the jelly beans. She looked up at me - I shut my eyes for a moment to make sure she was convinced I wasn't looking - then leaned over and fished a jelly bean out. She held it tightly in her fist and looked up at me again. Sure it was safe, she turned around and popped it in her mouth.

I was trying so hard not to laugh and betray my (half) shut eyes. She was simply charming. On the other hand, I'm in trouble if she's already understanding a) when she should be sneaky and b) how to be sneaky, all at the tender age of just-turned two. But it was darn cute. Geddy beans.

Deal.

(overheard from the next room) Elly: "Well, we can't find the other train, Kessa. I guess we're just gonna have to DEAL with it."

Worst. Mommy. Ever.

We had a frazzly shopping experience today, and left quickly. Kes climbed into the car on her side and Elly climbed after her, or so I thought. I popped the bags into the front passenger seat, and closed the door, expecting to go help Kes buckle up while Elly buckles up. Instead, there was Elly, still on the ground, now screaming: "Mommy! My hand! My hand is stuck!" I looked down and there it was, in the very very closed front passenger door. I open the door while she's screaming "Get it out! Get it out!" and pick her up and cradle her while she's still screaming "I want my blankie! My finger hurts! I need a bandaid! Is it bleeding? I want my blankie now!"

And, just in case I wasn't already feeling about as guilty as a mother can feel (which is tremendous), she then looks me in the eye with her tears streaming down and says:

"Mommy! You should have said, 'Please move your hand out of the way!'"

Which made me burst into tears and wiping away her tears I kept saying, "Oh honey I didn't know your hand was there. I would never do that on purpose. I am so sorry. I would absolutely have said to please move your hand if I had seen it there, or I would have waited." And she never said anything back to me.

Later, though, we were talking about it and I said I was sorry again, and she said, "It doesn't hurt anymore, Mommy, you don't have to be sorry."

I hope this is like when I shut the door on my mom when I was 10. She doesn't remember the incident, but I do because of the guilt. I hope Eliana doesn't remember... but I know I will never forget. My poor sweet baby.

Y's

"Mommy, I can't write my Y's bery awesomely yet."

Cuties

I put a new shirt on Kessa - a hand-me-down outfit from Elly that she never wore because although it said 3T, it gave her a plumber's crack. (Well, it fits Kessa perfectly, and she's still mostly fitting 24 m and some 2T's, so maybe it was mislabeled?) Anyway, it has flamingos on the shirt. Kes looked down, pointed to them and said, "Wook! A have othtritthes on it." (They do kind of look like pink ostriches. I'll have to contact Carter's about their sizing AND their artwork.)

As I was getting Kes dressed, Elly was begging me to put a new CD on for her (Disney ain't good enough). So I gave her a few options and she picked Help! I said, "Elly, do you know who sings this?" Elly: "Mommy does!"

The Mouse Place

Last night was Elly's preschool friend Molly's 4th birthday party... at Chuck E Cheese. Somehow I made it through 4 years of parenting without taking my kids there. Now I wonder why I thought it would be so bad. We all had a great time.

At first I went around with the kids and they. were. so. cute! Kes was doing her little swagger-march (picture marching knees with a swagger in the shoulders) all over the place, and really enjoyed playing with Cassandra (a friend from Tot Shabbat, whom she'll go to preschool with for 2 years). Eliana adored the rides and going through the tunnels.

After dinner, I stayed to socialize with the other preschool mamas and let the kids go play. (I love the security at the door.) I gave Elly one token to go on a ride and tell her to find Kessa and she'd get her next token when she came back to tell me where Kessa was. She loved this system. She felt very important that she was reporting on Kes. And, since I'd never given her a bunch of tokens, she thought it was pretty cool that she got to choose her rides and use her tokens all by herself. And it worked for me, since while I thought the security at the door was great, I still wanted to be able to know how they were doing every few minutes, and now I didn't have to get up.

All in all it was a great evening and we will be going back sometime in the future, with less trepidation on my part.

Rollerskates

Kessa: "Mommy, wow! Wookit! A wowwerskate a fit me! A wowwerskate fun!"

(Followed by Elly: "Mommy! Kes is using my rollerskates!")

Poor Daddy

Bedtime tonight: "Daddy, go work. Mommy go nighnight."

Out of the mouths of babes

I caught Elly staring at my breasts while I was changing this morning. I said, "what are you noticing about my breasts?"
Elly: "Oh. They're so funky."
Me: "What's funky about them?"
Elly: "Just how they wiggle. Can you do that again?"

Kes, today, on the real phone but not connected to anyone, walking aimlessly around the house: "Ello? Hi Glamma! How a you? Fine. Yeah. I playing a titter. Uh-huh. Wow! A goo bye-bye a Mommy. A park." This went on so long that I started to wonder whether she'd somehow managed to redial my mother!

The girls have been playing together a ton lately. They spent two whole days off playing, all over the house, with very few fights and lots of giggling. Their cooperation impresses me. Elly often figures out a way to include Kes in what she is doing so that they are both satisfied with their roles.

Meep, meep, meep (the night-night song)

Last night, as I'm watching TV at my parents' house, (Marion on Diagnosis X, to be exact) Eliana pads out into the living room.

"Mommy, there's something happening in my room!"

"Oh? What's happening?"

"Something's making a sound. It's going meep meep meep meep meep."

"Oh, did it stop or is it still going?"

"It didn't stop, it's still going."

So we head back to her room, and I'm figuring I'm going to be turning off an alarm clock. But as we get into her room, I hear no electronic noises. No noises coming from inside her room at all. But then I hear it.

"Oh, honey, that's a cricket."

Elly's eyes widen and she looks around the room.

"Get in bed please. It's not in the room, it's outside your window, and when it goes meep meep meep, it's just singing you a night-night song."

"Awwwwww. That's so nice."

silly songs

"Z... A... carton... cereal!" (hysterical laughter, then, quietly:) "That was a silly song."