I've reframed the idea of that hypersensitivity as a "crack" due to stress and instead I'm seeing it as an openness that is part and parcel of the expansive inner work I have to do to develop into a midwife.
I'm betting both are true, but I'll focus on my strength and softness and soothe the stress with that knowledge of myself.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Cracks
It's no surprise that I'm stressed out. I have three kids and an apprenticeship. This takes a lot of inner strength, to say the least, and I'm happy to say that for the most part I think I do quite well. Right now there are two areas that are cracking. (Not bad, in my opinion.)
The first is my old repetitive strain injuries are whispering at me. It's not nearly as bad as it used to be, considering I spent years in constant pain, destroying my liver with massive doses of ibuprofen. Still, it's the first time in almost 10 years that I notice pain in my wrists or hands at least once a day. So far I've only had to medicate a couple of times, and I'm confident that all the self-care skills I have now that I didn't back in high school and college will preserve these arms of mine.
The second is the danged internet. Man, I get hypersensitive about people I do not know and should not care about. I get offended reading blogs, comments on blogs, comments on news articles, comments on my comments on people's facebook pages. The simple solution is to just stop doing it, so that's my plan. If you find me a lot quieter or less opinionated in places that you've expected my web presence, you know why. I'm sure in a few weeks or months I'll have regained the perspective that allows me to not put undue stock in other people's opinions. In the meantime, while I'm too emotionally full to let my rational brain win, I'll be protecting myself by avoiding random strangers' opinions as much as possible.
And hey, less internet is better for my arms anyway...
The first is my old repetitive strain injuries are whispering at me. It's not nearly as bad as it used to be, considering I spent years in constant pain, destroying my liver with massive doses of ibuprofen. Still, it's the first time in almost 10 years that I notice pain in my wrists or hands at least once a day. So far I've only had to medicate a couple of times, and I'm confident that all the self-care skills I have now that I didn't back in high school and college will preserve these arms of mine.
The second is the danged internet. Man, I get hypersensitive about people I do not know and should not care about. I get offended reading blogs, comments on blogs, comments on news articles, comments on my comments on people's facebook pages. The simple solution is to just stop doing it, so that's my plan. If you find me a lot quieter or less opinionated in places that you've expected my web presence, you know why. I'm sure in a few weeks or months I'll have regained the perspective that allows me to not put undue stock in other people's opinions. In the meantime, while I'm too emotionally full to let my rational brain win, I'll be protecting myself by avoiding random strangers' opinions as much as possible.
And hey, less internet is better for my arms anyway...
Friday, December 24, 2010
At this moment...
Eliana is working easy but adult-level sudokus.
Kesenia is writing "mary chrismise" emails on Zoobuh email.
Donovan is walking around naked holding a Paper Jamz guitar under one arm and a booklight in the other hand.
Scott is outside doing yard work.
I'm appreciating just how good I've got it.
Kesenia is writing "mary chrismise" emails on Zoobuh email.
Donovan is walking around naked holding a Paper Jamz guitar under one arm and a booklight in the other hand.
Scott is outside doing yard work.
I'm appreciating just how good I've got it.
Friday, December 17, 2010
Lucky
Back story #1: Donovan has been saying "lucky" for a few months now... and it doesn't mean lucky. It means yucky.
Back story #2: Kiki = Kessa and Lala = Eliana
Back story #3: D sleeps in his room and then comes into mine in the morning, nurses in bed, cuddles for a few minutes (or seconds), and then we get up. Sometimes Kessa follows him in and cuddles with us. This is exactly where our story starts.
D points to Kessa. "Kiki lucky."
Me: Kessa's yucky?
D: Noooooo. (smiles) Lala lucky.
Me: Eliana's yucky?
D: Noooooo.
Me: Scott, what's he saying?
D: Dada lucky.
Scott: I'm not yucky!
Me: Maybe he's ribbing us. Is Daddy yucky?
D: Nooooo. Mommy lucky.
He gives me a huge hug and kiss, and makes me kiss him, demonstrating his words, and deliberately says, "Mommy lucky."
And I say, "You mean, are you saying, Mommy loves me?"
D: Yeah! Mommy lucky! Dada lucky! Kiki lala lucky too!
Yes, yes I do. I love that boy. And I'm lucky, too.
Back story #2: Kiki = Kessa and Lala = Eliana
Back story #3: D sleeps in his room and then comes into mine in the morning, nurses in bed, cuddles for a few minutes (or seconds), and then we get up. Sometimes Kessa follows him in and cuddles with us. This is exactly where our story starts.
D points to Kessa. "Kiki lucky."
Me: Kessa's yucky?
D: Noooooo. (smiles) Lala lucky.
Me: Eliana's yucky?
D: Noooooo.
Me: Scott, what's he saying?
D: Dada lucky.
Scott: I'm not yucky!
Me: Maybe he's ribbing us. Is Daddy yucky?
D: Nooooo. Mommy lucky.
He gives me a huge hug and kiss, and makes me kiss him, demonstrating his words, and deliberately says, "Mommy lucky."
And I say, "You mean, are you saying, Mommy loves me?"
D: Yeah! Mommy lucky! Dada lucky! Kiki lala lucky too!
Yes, yes I do. I love that boy. And I'm lucky, too.
Homebirth for people who want hospital birth
Through my apprenticeship, I've seen a fair number of families both here and in Utah who have come to homebirth not out of any real desire for a homebirth. Their idea for themselves was always to have a hospital birth, with an epidural, and some of these women have had children before, and done exactly that with those births. And now they've come to us not seeking an improvement in care, as some moms do after hospital birth, but because of money. They don't have insurance, and the cost of homebirth is about 1/5 of the cost of a completely straightforward hospital birth.
Often these relationships start with lots of questions about safety, and one question about pain - generally a variation of "can I really do it without drugs?". These questions, which are nearly universal no matter what a family's idea of birth is, usually get answered during the interview and over the first visit or two. Then through our usual prenatal care, these families come to trust us in a way they never imagined trusting a health care provider. They trust us not in the Western medicine way that I so often hear on the internet: "I trust my doctor because she's the expert and what she says I should do must be the right thing to do."
Instead they learn over time to trust us to provide them with all the information that they need to know so that they can make the most appropriate decisions for their families: risks, benefits, alternatives of all tests, procedures, and treatments available, and information about their own babies and bodies gleaned through long discussions with them and through any tests they have opted to take. Through this trust-building they also slowly trust deep down what their brain had believed when they hired us: we really will be able to recognize situations that would make a hospital birth a safer option, and we will tell them, and we will go. They trust us to guide them through a process that is theirs. "I trust my midwife to let me stay in control of this process and to tell me if this process gets outside the range of normal so we can alter our course if needed."
Sometime, usually in the third trimester, we return to pain, because now that trust is really built, mom admits she's worried that she won't be able to handle it. We talk about how the sensations of labor are not the same as an injury but more similar to physical work. We talk about how it's easier at home to make all the hormones of labor which help ease the sensation. We talk about all the ways the sensations can feel, and the ways that our support can help. Often, this is the one part that mom never quite fully trusts us on... but she trusts us enough to move into her birth calmly, and with the knowledge that she has our full confidence.
Then comes the birth. Sometimes it's huge for her, she thought it would be easier, she has a hard time moving into it and letting her body take over. Sometimes she soars right through it easier than a mom who had always wanted a natural birth or a homebirth. Usually, it's the same doable challenge we see time and again. Regardless, during the immediate postpartum, we always hear, "I'm so glad I'm home," and from the multips, "I feel so much better than I did right after my other(s) were born!"
With all our clients, we ask how the birth was for the mama (and even her partner) at postpartum visits, and allow her to process it. Sometimes we first hear, "That was so incredibly hard," and sometimes, "That was a lot better than I thought it would be." We hear the whole range of experience from these moms, the same as any other moms. But the one thing we always hear, sometimes 5 minutes after the birth, sometimes the next day, or a week later, or a month later: "I would not want to have a baby in the hospital. I don't care if we have insurance next time. If we have any more babies we'll have a homebirth again."
Those are some of my favorite words, and these clients have a special place carved out in my heart. It shows a special kind of courage to move into an uncomfortable place and embrace it, as mothers who would have preferred hospital birth have to do in order to have a homebirth. And it shows that, while I wouldn't push anyone to have a homebirth, it truly can be the gold standard of maternity care not only for "natural birth types" but for anyone.
Often these relationships start with lots of questions about safety, and one question about pain - generally a variation of "can I really do it without drugs?". These questions, which are nearly universal no matter what a family's idea of birth is, usually get answered during the interview and over the first visit or two. Then through our usual prenatal care, these families come to trust us in a way they never imagined trusting a health care provider. They trust us not in the Western medicine way that I so often hear on the internet: "I trust my doctor because she's the expert and what she says I should do must be the right thing to do."
Instead they learn over time to trust us to provide them with all the information that they need to know so that they can make the most appropriate decisions for their families: risks, benefits, alternatives of all tests, procedures, and treatments available, and information about their own babies and bodies gleaned through long discussions with them and through any tests they have opted to take. Through this trust-building they also slowly trust deep down what their brain had believed when they hired us: we really will be able to recognize situations that would make a hospital birth a safer option, and we will tell them, and we will go. They trust us to guide them through a process that is theirs. "I trust my midwife to let me stay in control of this process and to tell me if this process gets outside the range of normal so we can alter our course if needed."
Sometime, usually in the third trimester, we return to pain, because now that trust is really built, mom admits she's worried that she won't be able to handle it. We talk about how the sensations of labor are not the same as an injury but more similar to physical work. We talk about how it's easier at home to make all the hormones of labor which help ease the sensation. We talk about all the ways the sensations can feel, and the ways that our support can help. Often, this is the one part that mom never quite fully trusts us on... but she trusts us enough to move into her birth calmly, and with the knowledge that she has our full confidence.
Then comes the birth. Sometimes it's huge for her, she thought it would be easier, she has a hard time moving into it and letting her body take over. Sometimes she soars right through it easier than a mom who had always wanted a natural birth or a homebirth. Usually, it's the same doable challenge we see time and again. Regardless, during the immediate postpartum, we always hear, "I'm so glad I'm home," and from the multips, "I feel so much better than I did right after my other(s) were born!"
With all our clients, we ask how the birth was for the mama (and even her partner) at postpartum visits, and allow her to process it. Sometimes we first hear, "That was so incredibly hard," and sometimes, "That was a lot better than I thought it would be." We hear the whole range of experience from these moms, the same as any other moms. But the one thing we always hear, sometimes 5 minutes after the birth, sometimes the next day, or a week later, or a month later: "I would not want to have a baby in the hospital. I don't care if we have insurance next time. If we have any more babies we'll have a homebirth again."
Those are some of my favorite words, and these clients have a special place carved out in my heart. It shows a special kind of courage to move into an uncomfortable place and embrace it, as mothers who would have preferred hospital birth have to do in order to have a homebirth. And it shows that, while I wouldn't push anyone to have a homebirth, it truly can be the gold standard of maternity care not only for "natural birth types" but for anyone.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Childcare
I've said it before, I'll say it again: childcare for the kids is the hardest part of apprenticeship for me. I don't regret starting while they were so young, but for those who are interested in becoming a midwife and have young children, you have been warned.
Right now I am looking for full-time childcare for my kids from January-June, and this is the first time I have ever needed full-time. I feel extremely fortunate because it means that I am going to get a ton of experience, and six months isn't too long in the grand scheme of things. I also have flexible kids who absolutely love people, new or well-established in their lives. Still, one of the advantages of midwifery as a career path was the ability to limit my own workload in the long run, and while I'm perfectly willing to work my tail off as an apprentice, I'm sure I'll be glad to have more time with my kids after this intense phase I have coming up.
Anyway, to return to the point, today I got a response regarding my childcare job posting from a woman who gave me some references. One of the names, given as the mother of a 6 month old for whom the applicant had babysat, sounded familiar and I googled her. Her facebook profile popped up and I started looking to see whether I knew her. As it turns out, she does not have a six month old. She is, in fact, 9 months pregnant with her first child. And facebook friends with my applicant.
So, this lady wants to care for my kids but isn't honest enough to say, "here's a personal reference, she's a friend who can tell you what a great person I am but I haven't worked for her" but is willing to get a friend to lie for her and pose as a client. Sigh. I'm glad this friend didn't know about facebook privacy settings. And, I'll be googling all my applicants AND their references from now on.
Right now I am looking for full-time childcare for my kids from January-June, and this is the first time I have ever needed full-time. I feel extremely fortunate because it means that I am going to get a ton of experience, and six months isn't too long in the grand scheme of things. I also have flexible kids who absolutely love people, new or well-established in their lives. Still, one of the advantages of midwifery as a career path was the ability to limit my own workload in the long run, and while I'm perfectly willing to work my tail off as an apprentice, I'm sure I'll be glad to have more time with my kids after this intense phase I have coming up.
Anyway, to return to the point, today I got a response regarding my childcare job posting from a woman who gave me some references. One of the names, given as the mother of a 6 month old for whom the applicant had babysat, sounded familiar and I googled her. Her facebook profile popped up and I started looking to see whether I knew her. As it turns out, she does not have a six month old. She is, in fact, 9 months pregnant with her first child. And facebook friends with my applicant.
So, this lady wants to care for my kids but isn't honest enough to say, "here's a personal reference, she's a friend who can tell you what a great person I am but I haven't worked for her" but is willing to get a friend to lie for her and pose as a client. Sigh. I'm glad this friend didn't know about facebook privacy settings. And, I'll be googling all my applicants AND their references from now on.
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