Kessa

"I sure are!"

"I'm cold with envy."

"Is it my first day of preschool?" (every day)

All my fault

Elly, 2 am: "Mommy, you have to cuddle me, because I had a bad dream, and in the dream you were the one who did something wrong."

Donovan's 2 month checkup

Well, it actually happened on December 1, but I bailed on writing in. At his appointment, Donovan was 23 inches, and 12 lbs 5 oz, between 50th and 75th in both. Dr. Kerr said he is doing marvelously. He got a DTaP shot. (I love that Dr. Kerr and I are totally on the same page - she thought that was an excellent choice for a single shot, and agrees with me that next month's single shot should be HiB.) And that's a wrap.

Cute Elly

Wow did Elly have a cute night.

First: "Star light, star bright, wishing star I see tonight, I wish my father could always not go to work and stay home all day and all night, all the nights and days."

Later, "Mommy, I see Mars!"

And at bedtime:

Me: "You are the perfect child for me."
Elly: "Does that mean you will get rid of Kessa because I am the perfect child? NOOOOO, you wouldn't do that. You love Kessa too much." (I then explained to her that Kessa and Donovan are also the perfect children for me, and I am lucky to have 3 children that are just right for me. I tried to explain that I loved each of them for who they were and loved how different they were but she wouldn't let me finish because she was kissing me too much.)

Then, in reference to who would do her check-ons and cuddles: "Mommy, Daddy, Aunt Katie, Mommy, Daddy, Aunt Katie. And if you go to bed, Daddy, Aunt Katie, Daddy, Aunt Katie. And if Daddy goes to bed, Aunt Katie, Aunt Katie, Aunt Katie, Aunt Katie. And if Aunt Katie goes to bed, I'll just cuddle myself."

More, more, more!

Eliana and I were eating lunch together the other day.

Elly: "Mommy, you'd better not eat too much or another baby will grow in your belly."

Me: "Oh, well I certainly don't want to eat too much so I don't get a stomachache, and you're right that babies in the belly need their mamas to eat a lot of food, but eating a lot of food wouldn't make another baby grow in my belly."

Elly: "Oh."

Me: "And we're not going to have any more babies, but I'm surprised to hear you say you don't think we should."

Elly: "Yes I do think you should. I want you to have as many children as Miss Hannigan!"

Me: "Wow! That's a lot! You know, Miss Hannigan didn't actually HAVE all those children, she is just in charge of them."

Elly: "I know, but that's how many children you and daddy should have."

Me: "Well, the government gives Miss Hannigan money to take care of those children, but Daddy and I only have the money that we make from work to take care of you, and if we had that many children, we wouldn't have enough money for all of you to have toys and do fun things like swim lessons, and maybe not even enough money for all of us to have enough to eat."

Elly: "Oh. Then how about just a couple more?"

Totems

I've always seen broad similarities between Judaism and Native American life: peoplehood, culture, law, and spirituality all wrapped into one. For a long time I thought the particulars were completely different, especially of the religious aspects, until I started seeing similarities between animism and Kabbalah. I always felt drawn toward the part of Kabbalah that speaks of the divine spark being in all things, and frankly whenever I'm in nature, I understand animism.

Totems have no such sister in Judaism, and I'd never felt truth when reading about them, but if there is any truth in totems, my totem would be birds.

OK, so that doesn't quite jive with the traditional view - I should say "eagle" or "heron" and be a little more specific. But no, for me it's birds. At several junctures in my life, a bird has arrived on the scene, and not of the same species each time. First I didn't see any meaning in my bird sightings. Not even when I saw four bald eagles up in Whistler did I listen to the stillness in my heart. I figured it was some odd patriotism reaching up from my depths, or awe at seeing a rare and beautiful bird.

Next came the condor. California condors are exceedingly rare, huge vultures. It was on my first drive home to Sacramento after Eliana was born that we were driving in the car and I saw one out my window. I couldn't believe it, I thought it must have just been a large turkey vulture, but as I came closer, it was at least twice the size of any turkey vulture I'd ever seen. Much later I realized that just before I'd rounded that bend in the road, I'd been shaken out of my sadness about my birth experience with the epiphany that my husband gave me half a cell and I wove a miracle from it.

And a year ago, I met with a woman who has become a friend, and looked up as we were talking to see a white barn owl. (This might not be remarkable except for where we live and the fact that I've never seen one before or since.) By now I was starting to pay attention when visited by a bird, and I thought maybe it was a blessing on new friendship. That may well be right on its own, but now feels even more significant in that this woman is a midwife and here I embark on my own path to midwifery.

Likewise, today's visit speaks to birth and beginnings. And endings. While walking home from Elly's school, pushing Donovan in the stroller, I was thinking about his birth, coming to terms with its imperfections and with the end of my time as a pregnant mother or birthing woman. And out of the sky dropped a hawk, who landed on the tree right in front of me. I stopped and watched him. He hopped on his big raptor claws onto a bush below, then flew back into the tree. I stood there with Donovan, looking from him to the bird, wondering what he was here to tell me. He flew away and I took the long route home, still sorting out his message. I didn't settle on one... but I do feel better.

So totems. I still don't know whether there is truth to them. The rational Westernized me thinks these events are simple coincidences. But while I keep both feet firmly on the ground, I'll continue to take note when a powerful bird visits... to sit still for a moment and think.

The (un)reality of death

Eliana does not like the concept of death. Never has. But as she gets older it gets more real, deeper, and the fear is greater.

Olympia, the cat I'd had since I was nine, died a couple of months ago, and this week was our first trip to my parents house since then. I'd decided to wait til she noticed Olympia was gone to tell her. She didn't react very strongly, just an "Ohhhh. Why did she die?" and seemed to accept our explanation that she was very old. (Very.)

Then yesterday as we left Modesto after Thanksgiving I parked in front of my grandma's tree for a few minutes. We planted this tree when she died 19 years ago at the age of 51. She would have turned 70 a week ago. So I sat there and Elly asked me what we were doing. I explained it to her. (She already knows about Grandma Linda.) She thought that sounded like a nice idea and asked me if I would plant a tree for her when she died. I said I hoped I would die first because I was older than her and I wanted her to be very very old before she died, and that I hoped I would also be very very old before I died.

Then tonight, I heard her crying over the baby monitor and I went to hug her. She said about 2 minutes worth of explanation that I could not make out. Finally I asked her to repeat herself and I figured out that she was saying she was sad because someday Grandma was going to die. She said, "I want grandma to live forever." I said, "Oh me too honey. It's sad that everybody dies, but grandma is not sick and she is not old and she will be here for a long long time." She said, "But I can't stop thinking about when she dies." I said, "Well, try to think about what you're going to do with Grandma tomorrow." She said, "I just told you, I can't stop thinking about when she dies." (I would've laughed if she hadn't been so pathetic.) "OK, would it help if Grandma comes to give you a cuddle now?" "Yes!"

Poor baby. It must be so overwhelming at her age to think about loss. I hope it's a long time before she has to feel a loss.

You'll poke your eye out

Eliana got a new pencil at school today, and she wanted to carry it on the walk home. I made her promise that she would only walk, and not run, skip, or gallop. (These things must be distinguished.) She asked, "why can I not run?"

Me: "Because you could fall and poke your eye out with the pencil."

Elly: "Ouchie. And then you'd have to take me to the hospital so they could make me a new eye."

Me: "Well, honey, they don't make new eyes."

5 minutes pass.

Elly: "But I know how to make a new eye. You take some jello and you make it white, and you make it into half a circle. Then you get some more jello and you make it the color of your eyes, and you put it together, and you smoosh it into your eye."

Me: "Oh. Well, you're right, they can make fake eyes that would make you look like you had an eye, but you still wouldn't be able to see."

Elly: "Oh sure, Mommy, all you have to do is put some seeing juice in the eye."

Eliana at the park, spinning

"I'm going as fast as a shooting star!"

"Mommy, was I so fast that I was just a blur?"

Reflection on the election

The morning of the election, I told Scott, "If McCain wins, I'm going to cry."

As it turns out, I cried anyway.

When the results started being posted on the news websites, I checked in. I tried to distract myself. But unlike the last election, where hid and then went to bed early, I had to keep looking. I tried not to get my hopes up when the early numbers looked good, and I couldn't quite believe the victory was sealed even when the numbers midway through looked fabulous. When the numbers were in the 300's, I finally believed it. And I cried.

I cried with relief, for the hope of a better future, and with the release of all the energy I spent over the past few months trying not to get my hopes up. And later that night, when I clicked to watch Obama's acceptance speech, I watched him and his family walk out and I cried again: with awe and pride that our country has already come this far, for his girls who can look at their father and say "My dad is president" and skin color bedamned, and for my own girls who will grow up with a president who doesn't look like us. I wanted to wake them up and hug them and tell them that the world had changed for the better, but knowing they wouldn't understand I just cried outside their door. Hopefully someday they will be able to understand how important and huge Obama's election is, while still feeling it's normal.

Bumps in the road

I've now spent 3 total years of my life nursing, and suddenly here I am with issues.

My boobs hurt.

When D latches on, everything looks good from the outside. I get him on when he's open wide, his lower lip is flanged (and I pull the top one so it's flanged, which I've had to do with all my newborns), he's got an inch of breast at least, he nurses with big jaw drawdowns and wiggly ears, and swallows every 1-3 sucks. Most importantly, milk transfer is good - he's gaining well and my supply is good. All as it has been since the beginning.

But...

When he latches off, my nipple has taken on a new shape, and looks purple on the tip. It almost never hurts to nurse on the right side, and when it does I just latch him off and we do it again and it's fine. On the left side, however, it almost always hurts, even after I've latched him off and on a few times and it looks perfect from the outside. I can feel his gums instead of his tongue, and that hurts. Sometimes I let him latch on with his mouth less open, just because he's more able to get his tongue over his gums that way, so it's more comfortable than opening wide. This also is how it has been since the beginning, I remember saying "He latches great except I don't think he's putting his tongue where it belongs." I thought he'd figure it out.

In between nursings, I often get burning sensations in the nipple and in the breast. Occasionally a shooting pain in the breast. (Both, actually.) And it hurts a lot when my milk lets down - not the mild stinging I remember from my first two babies. Again, this has been going on since the beginning. But the burning has gotten worse.

So finally when D got to 3 or 4 weeks I decided he wasn't going to figure it out and decided I needed to try harder. Then when he hit 5 weeks I decided I wasn't getting anything to change and it was time to get help.

So I've talked with my midwife and with a lactation consultant, and have an appointment for tomorrow with another lactation consultant. My midwife said that the pain in between nursings could be thrush in the breast (there are no external signs but apparently it can be only internal) or a bacterial infection that is not classic mastitis. She thought we should get the latch taken care of before resorting to medication, since that is the usual cause of pain and the first thing to rule out. (And I'm all for avoiding unnecessary medication.) She asked about tongue-tie, but he has stuck his tongue out (not far, but enough). So the LC I wanted to see is out of town, and I'm trying others. The one I talked to on the phone said it might be a mild case of tongue-tie that makes it hard for him to get his tongue out far enough with his mouth wide open, for the larger nipple on the left side. She said she doubted that coming to look at him latch on would help her assess what was going on, and that the bigger latch problems are actually easier to fix than what I was describing, and said "I don't know what to tell you."

Great. Leave it to me to have the minor, yet unusual and complicated problem.

I'm really starting to think that there IS something going on internally with me, but looking forward to the LC appt tomorrow and what she has to say about his frenums (tongue and upper lip). And if she can't help, I'm looking forward to seeing my midwife for my 6-week checkup this Friday, and if all else fails, the LC I wanted to see will be back in town on the 20th.

But I hope we can have this resolved by then.

Figuring out the basics

Kessa: "Does Donovan have a big thing like Daddy?"

This was totally random, but I knew exactly what she meant. She'd never seen me change his diaper, and it just dawned on her that since he is a boy he would have Daddy-type equipment rather than what the rest of us have got.

Or maybe not...

Well, if those were real smiles, he hasn't done it again. But he has spent more time awake the past few days, and has been making a lot of eye contact.

Kes is still kissing him every chance she gets, and being a little mommy to him. She brings him things that belong to him and lays them on him (nevermind that he can't hold them). She rocks him gently in his bouncer or swing (nevermind that he's sleeping). It's pretty darn cute.

Elly is less concerned with him. She's happy to have him around but is not so *on* him all the time. But she'll read him a book or sing him a song, usually in the evenings after Kes is in bed. But her focus is on Kes during the day - after all, Kes can actually play with her. Newborns are only so interesting when you're five... and active.

New connections

Eliana: "Mommy, I made friends with a boy! But just one. His name is Wyatt."

Kessa: "I love my baby brother."

Donovan: *smile*

No really, I think he smiled. 3 times. Because each time he looked me in the eye, I smiled and talked to him, and he got this big smile that looks nothing like his gas smiles. Isn't 3 weeks too early though?

Love for calming

About a week ago Elly had a total meltdown at bedtime. She was bargaining, making demands and ultimatums, and having screaming fits ("If you don't stop telling me to put on my jammies I'm going to go to bed right now with. my. clothes. on.")

Finally I took her by the hand and led her to bed as she was screaming down the hallway. I bundled her in a bear hug and forced her blankie onto her nose (she sniffs it for comfort). I held her and whispered over and over, "I love you. I love you. I love you." Finally she stopped screaming and I told her, "You're my first baby. You're so big. But you'll always be my baby. Once upon a time you were in my belly, and you came out, and you were a baby. And now you're so big and amazing and you're still my baby. And when you're a grown-up you'll be my baby. And I'll always love you just as much as I always have." And we cuddled for a few minutes and then she said, "Mommy, thank you for calming me down."

Welcome Donovan

On Sunday night, Sept 28, around 9:30, I was reading in bed, having prelabor contractions like I’d been having for the past few days. Scott was looking at me funny, saying how close together they were getting and was I sure I wasn’t going into labor. I said I sure hoped I was going into labor but I wasn’t going to bet on it. Then I got a sneezing fit, and realized that a full bladder, contractions, and sneezing were not a good combination, so I got up and as I was walking, I sneezed and felt something give and then a gush. “I think my water just broke” I said to Scott. “You’re kidding.” he said.

Over the next few minutes the water continued to come so I became more confident that I hadn’t peed myself and called Mason to let her know. We agreed that I’d either get some sleep or if the contractions picked up I’d call her back. At first the contractions did pick up. I called Kate who drove into town. Scott and I went on a walk to try to get them going even faster, but all that did was get me tired, so when we came back I laid down in bed. I slept for about an hour and was woken up by a big contraction. I was then up for a few hours with good contractions and then went to lay down and rest again. I ended up sleeping for the rest of the night, waking up Monday morning terribly disappointed that I had not truly gone into labor. Mason and her apprentice Liesl came to check on the baby, and he was doing great. She said as long as my fluid stayed good and my temp stayed down there was no rush and we could wait to the next day to pull out the “big guns”. She said that it was all about infection control and I wasn’t allowed to use public toilets – so for someone who is peeing every half hour I stayed homebound, with the exception of going to an acupuncturist (unfortunately not my usual because she is closed Mondays) to try to get labor going. Kate decided to go home to nurse Rowan and Meriden.

I never got any contractions for the rest of the day that were anything like the ones I’d had the night before. It was a long, frustrating day. I started worrying that I’d have to go to the hospital for pitocin but comforted myself with Mason’s confidence and the knowledge that there was time left and lots that could be done at home to get things going that we hadn’t yet tried and weren’t even ready to try. Rosh Hashanah started that night and we had a lovely dinner as a family. I felt calm and positive after that. I went to bed hoping to wake up in the middle of the night in labor, but once again I woke up Tuesday morning with an internal baby. I was hopeful, though, because I’d been waking up through the night with contractions, about every half hour.

By the time Mason came to check on me around 9, I’d been having contractions about every 6 minutes for a while. Around 10 I started having contractions every 3 minutes or so. I lay down to see if that would change them and it did, they slowed back down to every 6. Mason called around 11 to see how things were going and I reported the current state of affairs. I got out of bed and soon after that the contractions picked up even more and around noon they were about every 2 minutes apart (says Scott, I was not paying any attention to that by now). I asked Scott to stay in the room with me and read a book – I still didn’t want his attention or help but it was comforting to have him nearby. I was pacing in our room, stopping to lean on something during contractions. Sometime between 12 and 1 I started vocalizing through them. I couldn’t believe in between contractions how much I didn’t feel like I was in labor. With both my girls I had had back labor and that just doesn’t let up in between. Even the contractions were easier than the back labor. I didn't realize how big labor was getting because it was so much easier than before, and because I was too busy to care anyway.

At 1 Mason called to check in and said she’d be over in about an hour. She’d been taking her time, since the last time we talked labor was still pretty leisurely, but after hearing how labor was doing now, she was in a hurry. ("Scott says you're contracting every 2 minutes???" "Um... if that's what he says then I guess so.") The next hour went very fast for me - I was deep in laborland. I told Scott I wanted to get in the tub but was afraid it’d either slow me down or make me have the baby without Mason here (Kes was born 15 minutes after I got in the tub at 7 cm dilation and -1 station). But a few minutes later, around 2pm, my contractions changed and were suddenly very sharp, low and in front. That hurt so much I decided to get in the tub whatever it might do to my labor. The warm water felt good but did not take away that sharp low pain. Liesl arrived shortly after and started setting up for the birth. She offered supportive words about how I was coping. As she finished setting up, Mason arrived. It felt good having Scott on one side of me and Mason on the other as I draped myself over the side of the tub. Mason said I was getting close and gave some guidance to help me fully relax between contractions.

Soon I started getting louder and feeling a little pushy. (At one point the thought went through my head that I sounded like Dory speaking whale.) I told Mason that I still felt like my cervix was in the way and she said it was probably just a lip left and I could probably push through it and get rid of it, so to just go with what I felt like doing. I tried that for a few contractions and then told her that it just wasn’t going away and it hurt a lot. She said I could either change position to take pressure off and try to breathe through a few contractions to see if it would go away, or I could get out of the tub and she could hold back the cervical lip while I pushed past it. I opted for #1. After a few contractions it hadn’t worked and was still searing pain so I got out of the tub for option #2. She found the lip and said that with the next contraction I would push through it. This sounded absolutely impossible. And at first it felt impossible, but then I found the strength and the control and she said, “that’s it, you did it” and just a moment later the pain was gone and was replaced by the sensation of his head on my perineum. (Later she told me that my cervix had been pinched between his head and my pubic bone… no wonder it hurt!!!) She gave me the choice of having him there or getting back in the tub and I got back in the tub, remembering how easy on my perineum Kessa’s birth had been and comparing that to the sensation I was feeling. Liesl went to get my family and soon Elly, Kes, my mom, and Kate filed in.

Pushing was hard. I was surprised how much effort it was taking, since with Kes I had been trying to slow her down on her way out. I really had to work this time though. And my perineum sure felt it this time, though I’m very glad I was in the water since I’m sure it would’ve hurt more in air. I really wanted him out, and it felt like it was taking a while, so I switched from hands and knees to squatting. Mason advised me on when to let up and when to push hard to let me stretch and avoid a tear, while Liesl gave counterpressure. Mason checked his heart tones frequently and he sounded great. Scott was getting ready to catch his son. Finally I got his head out and Mason said “there’s a nuchal cord” so Scott had to relinquish the babycatcher role to the professional. The rest of him was not coming and his heart rate took a dive. Mason asked me to flip over to face upright and said I had to push hard and get him out right away, so I did and Mason helped him somersault out, keeping his head and cord close to my body so he could be born with his cord intact.

She handed him to me and then quickly took him back to rub him up, as he was purple and floppy. I said, “Is he breathing?” and she said, “Not yet.” Then he started to breathe so she handed him back to me but he was still not breathing well and was not pinking up or getting vigorous. We all talked to him while she rubbed on him for a minute and he still was not breathing well enough so she had Scott cut the cord and took him over to the heating pad and bagged him for a few breaths. She then rubbed him and talked to him for a bit and then gave him a few more puffs. She handed him back to me but I wanted to get out of the tub so I handed him right back to her and got on the bed. She decided to give him some blow-by oxygen (an open tube by his face) and kept a close eye on him on the bed next to me. When she was satisfied with his condition she draped him across me. He started crawling toward the breast! Mason said, “Oh look at him go. He’s fine.”

He remained dusky in the hands and feet for a while and was breathing at twice the normal rate, so Mason stayed close by. He slowly pinked up his hands and feet and she said that fast breathing was normal for up to 24 hours after birth. They kept a close eye on my bleeding and said that it was fine but that my uterus kept relaxing (“cut that out” they said in unison) and then it would start bleeding too much, but that as long as I kept massaging it, it stayed firm. I had no tear. He nursed great on his first try, and Mason said that was a great indicator that he was healthy and had adjusted now to being outside of the womb. So we were deemed healthy and they went in the other room so we could cuddle and bond.

It helped so much that I knew Mason well enough to judge by her demeanor that things were going to be all right. And to fully trust her to take appropriate action. I am also glad I took a midwifery class this summer as that helped me understand what was going on. All of these things let me know that he just needed a little help and that he’d be fine. Scott didn’t have these benefits so he was pretty worried.

At our postpartum the next day I asked Mason about some of the events, to get her perspective. First of all she said that his cord was pinched over his shoulder so tightly that the blood was not flowing through it, and that when that shoulder was born she loosened the cord and it started pulsing again. She said that because of that hypoxia with his head out for so long, he may have tried to breathe and took in a little water. He was also only in the birth canal for a short amount of time (pushing was a total of 13 minutes, though it felt like longer to me!) and did not get the benefit of having the fluid squeezed out of him during the birth so he had more to get rid of afterwards. And she cut the cord a lot earlier than she likes to, in order to do the bag and mask. She said these four things added up to him having a hard time getting going on breathing well. His personality also probably added to it – he’s a laid-back little dude. She told me that she did not bag him to resuscitate him, that he was breathing the whole time (after the initial few seconds) but not well enough to oxygenate, so she did it to help him to expand his lungs and push the fluid out so that he could take deeper, better breaths. (She did not have to suction him despite the unsqueezed fluid and whatever water he may have taken.) I asked about apgars and she said they were 6 and 7.

It’s amazing how things work out. I am so thankful that out of my 3 births this was my homebirth, as it was the one that really needed to be at home. This birth would have been so different in the hospital – even at the Birth Home - and we benefitted both physically and emotionally from Mason’s care.

So, that is how, almost 42 hours after my water broke and 4 hours after my labor got active, we received our Rosh Hashanah present:

Donovan Charles
September 30, 2008
3:07 pm
9 pounds 1 ounce
20 inches

The most terrible dream

The other morning Eliana woke up crying. I went in and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I had the most terrible dream!" I asked what it was about. She said:

"The cars were going way too fast and I was walking, and one scooped me up and flinged me and I said, "Goodbye Mama" and you said "Goodbye Elly."

And she burst into tears again. She cried off and on for the next 20 minutes, telling me about the dream over and over again, how we were never going to see each other again because she was going to be stuck in the sky. At one point I tried to refocus her on the reality before her - cuddling Mommy in her own bed - and she just said, "Yeah. And I don't want that to ever happen in real life!" and started crying again. It was so very sad, she had me crying!

Finally Kes came in and did something silly and snapped her out of it. But at bedtime that night, she told my dad about the dream and she was afraid to go to sleep.

I liked bad dreams about monsters and lions better.

Math

"Mommy, did you know that 20 plus 20 is 1000?"
No honey, 20 plus 20 is 40.
"Oh. And 21 plus 19 is 40."
Wow, that's right!
"And 22 plus 18 is 40."

Help me.

"Mommy, what's 1000 plus 1000?"
2000.
"What's a million plus a million?"
2 million. What's a hundred plus a hundred?
"A million."

Vocab

3 words that I love to hear Eliana say:
acceptable
appropriate
similar

It makes me laugh, because here's this big little girl with two missing teeth properly and seriously using these grown-up words.

And it reinforces for me, ah yes, I am doing my job.

Don't cough too hard

Mason, palpating Donovan today: "Oh, he's halfway out already! Don't cough too hard." Apparently he's already at about a 0 station. That would explain all the pressure and stretching I'm feeling, along with the cowboy walk. She said also that he's LOA which is an ideal place to start labor. My girls were both ROP (about as non-ideal as it gets) and Kes was -2 when labor started (and either -2 or -1 an hour and a half before she was born, I can't remember) and Elly was -2 after about 18 hours of labor (I have no idea where she started). All this to say, this could be a fast birth. And however fast or slow, I am hoping for easier!

I also asked her to estimate his current size and she said 7.5-8 lbs.

37 down, ? to go...

Just a few random things...

I was at Heart and Hands advanced training all weekend, and I apparently didn't take very good care of myself, especially in regards to getting enough fluid:
This morning, I had a hard time getting enough oxygen. I felt dehydrated and was drinking a lot of water, but it just wasn't going away. Not to a scary degree, just very uncomfortable. I just wanted to lay down and concentrate on breathing. So I called Mason and she said it was probably dehydration bad enough that I needed electrolyte drink. She also said that Donovan might just be in a position where he was pushing on my blood vessels - since he is big he could do that regardless of my position, depending on his position. It did feel similar to when I lie on my back, that fish out of water feeling. So, I drank 16 oz of Recharge, went to lie down on my left side, with Kes playing with my hair (unfortunately we both fell asleep, so she is still awake tonight), woke up and drank some more Recharge (and water, and soymilk) throughout the day, and was feeling OK. Tired but OK. I just wanted to drink and not eat most of the day, until around 3. I had a ton of food between 3 and 6, and I am still snacking. But now I am feeling weaker and a little dizzy but am not short of breath... pulled out the second bottle of Recharge, hopefully that and going to bed soon (c'mon kids go to sleep) will help me have a much better day tomorrow.

Tonight, Eliana lost her second tooth! She got blood all over her hand and her chin, but stayed calm.

Favorite Kessa word today: theetth (sheets)

We got Eliana's first homework packet today. They get sent home on Mondays and are supposed to be returned Fridays. It was 16 pages so I had her do 4 tonight. She did great. She really set herself to work. She read the directions for each page and remembered them really well, going back to reread if she didn't. A couple times she wanted to do something extra that was not in the directions and I just reminded her to follow directions. She also remembered to put her name on 2 of the pages and I had to remind her on the other two (she figured it out just by my saying something was missing). It's fun watching her do this work. The fact that it does not come from me helps so much!

Eliana also told me that she needs to do a better job listening at kindergarten because she missed some directions that the teacher gave. It was cute, she was totally matter-of-fact about it, like she was just processing it out loud by telling me.

First loose tooth - out!

Eliana's loose tooth finally came out tonight! I heard her from the next room - "My tooth came out!!!" She was waving it around, totally proud. "I just pushed my tongue on it and it popped right out! Look! I lost my tooth, I lost my tooth! Congratulations to me!!!" This went on for about 5 minutes, complete with dancing.

Carefully orchestrated

Lately I feel like I'm conducting a symphony with my body. Here are the instruments:

A healthy, balanced diet: obtain lots of protein to grow a new human being, vitamin-rich foods for my health and baby's, healthy fats; make my body strong for labor and postpartum.

Exercise: Make my body strong for labor and postpartum.

Cravings: Recognize what my body is trying to tell me about my nutritional needs and respond appropriately. (Still haven't figured out why I had to have that decaf mocha frappuccino two days ago, but the occasional useless craving can be fulfilled, too.)

Iron: Take twice daily, preferably with foods containing vitamin C but absolutely nowhere near foods containing calcium. To prevent even mild anemia (which had developed at 24 weeks), reducing risk of certain labor complications and/or postpartum anemia (BTDT, NOT going there again).

Calcium/magnesium: Take once daily, nowhere near the iron. To combat leg cramps.

Probiotics: Take once or more daily, preferably with food. To prevent yeast infections, improve digestion/immunity, and provide the baby with healthy bacterial colonization at birth, giving him a good start on the above.

Cranberry juice: Once or more daily, to ward off UTI's.

Red raspberry leaf tea: 3 cups daily if possible, to tone my uterus, hopefully making labor easier and reducing risk of postpartum hemorrhage. (Eliana - no RRL tea, 25 hour labor, excessive pp blood loss -> pp anemia. Kesenia - RRL tea, 6 hour labor, normal pp blood loss. Coincidence? I'm not willing to bet on it.)

Butcher's broom: 2 doses daily, to tone veins and improve circulation.

Chiropractic care: As needed, currently needing it once a week. To keep my sacrum where it belongs between my ilia, help me walk comfortably and sleep decently, and perhaps even help baby start labor in a more favorable position.

Acupuncture: Twice weekly - in Berkeley! - to help with my varicose veins.

Immersion in water: Once daily if possible, spend 1/2 hour in the birth tub, to help with my veins and ohhh the comfort of weightlessness.

It's a lot to think about, a lot to schedule given the things that can't be done concurrently, but I have got to say I feel amazing for being 36 weeks. So many discomforts which were obvious months earlier with my last two pregnancies have only now started cropping up. And on the other hand, these veins - which were not a problem in previous pregnancies, but arrived at 14 weeks this time - are annoying and worrisome... but I'm so glad to have an arsenal of treatments available to try. All in all, this health symphony is well worth the time and effort - the results are fabulous.

Questions

E: "When was the first day of everything?"
Me: "You mean the new year?" (This sounded like a line from a book about the new year.)
E: "No, the first day of everything."
Me: "The first day of what?"
E: "The first day of G-d."

E: "Who were the first people who were born?"
Me: "People think their names were Adam and Eve." (OK, why does the anthropologist go with the Biblical explanation first? Is it because she had just mentioned G-d? Is it because it's easier? Is it because of the evidence of an Eve ancestor?)
E: "Did Eve have a mommy?"
Me: "People think she was the first mommy and that G-d made her."
E: "Was she a child or a grown-up when he made her?"

Tonight, as I read "Sosu's Call" to her (a book she has long been familiar with):
"Why does the lagoon give them good food?"
"Why did his mommy carry him on her back?"
"How did he get in that canoe?"
"Why are they eating with their hands? Why does he have a bowl but they don't?"
"Who are all those people? Why was she scared of him?"
"Why don't his legs work?"

Yowza. So exciting to see her mind at work. Wish my mind worked... if I didn't have such preggo brain maybe I'd be able to answer her questions better.

Is Kesenia a good name for a psychic?

K: "Mommy, I hear a train! Do youuuu hear a train?"
Me: "Yep."
K: "I hear a purple train, is that the kind of train you hear too?"

Kessa quotes

Kes: "Mommy, I'm scared! There's a monster under my bed!"
Me: "Well let's go get it."
Kes: "OK, I will go get a stick to kill him."

Me: "Time to get dressed. Should I pick out your outfit?"
Kes: "No. I wanna 'cide."

And of course it's even cuter when you realize that all s and sh sounds are pronounced th. It's adorable listening to her "read" Mr. Wishy Washy: "Mithter Withy Wathy watheth ditheth."

The picture of motherhood

I enjoy the artistry of a good photograph, especially photojournalism. So I frequently look at the "Week in Pictures" on MSNBC, as it captures what is going on in the world, with artistry and frequently with emotion. Usually they give warning if a photo is disturbing. Apparently they categorize "disturbing" as meaning "bloody" as there was no warning for this picture today.

I wasn't sure what I was seeing. It was a bunch of people covered in orange dust, in a circle around more orange dust. I read the caption: "Rescuers find the bodies of a mother and child killed when an earthquake struck China's Sichuan province on Sunday, August 31, causing their home to collapse." And then I saw in the orange, a smaller and larger head, a large body covering a small one, the mother's arm and body protectively wrapped around the toddler, their legs still buried in dust. I cried and moved on to the next picture, thinking no pregnant mother, no mother, should have to see this without warning. I was surprised after putting in my own vote that this picture was in first place.

I had just let the picture back into my mind this evening, on the couch reading, my kids in bed, when my house creaked. Creaked again. Shook a few inches. As it kept rattling, I didn't get into a doorway. I didn't run outside or under my table. I did run to my kids' room. I don't know exactly what I was going to do, and the house stopped moving as I walked through their door, so I didn't get to find out. I didn't think at all, I only acted on instinct. The instinct to protect my children, even impossibly.

That was the draw of the picture. Mothers and fathers - current, future, or unmanifest - saw past the tragedy depicted and saw the universal love and protection we all know deep inside our hearts.

I came to the computer to look up the earthquake - only a 4.0, but close-by. Then I revisited the picture. I cried again but this time the tragedy was not the only cause of my tears - the beauty of motherly love and thankfulness for all my blessings were also wetting my cheeks.

A better day for Elly; Kes starts preschool

When I picked Eliana up from school today, she was chipper. I said, "You look like a girl who had a better day at school today." She said, "YEAH!"

Then she said, "Where's Kes?" I said, "where do you think she is? Do you remember where I was going to take her this morning?" And Eliana's response was, "Preschool! Let's go home and play."

Wow, I think this child was hungry for some one-on-one time. We played a game of Sequence and she was thrilled.

When we picked Kes up from preschool, though, Eliana intercepted her as she was on her way to come hug me and gave her a huge bear hug. Kes was enjoying it but at the same time kept waving at me saying "Mommy! Hi Mommy!"

Elly's "horrible day"

After school today, Eliana and I were sitting down and the teacher approached us to tell me Eliana was having a hard time listening. One event in particular had been upsetting to everyone involved, as a little girl's feelings were hurt and Elly felt very guilty about it. (I get the feeling the teacher likes to tell parents anything about the school day that she is afraid the child will report back on - from the child's perspective - to pre-empt the parent wondering what the heck this is all about. It does not feel like tattling, or "what are YOU going to do to make your kid behave better" as was an experience I had with one of Elly's pre-K teachers.) Anyway, after the teacher told the story, Elly put her head down on the table on her arms and said, "I had a horrible day!"

The horrible day continued after school, as Eliana just fell apart at everything all afternoon, either by exploding into anger or tears at me or Kes, anytime she didn't get her way. Not the usual Eliana intensity, far more than that. I get the feeling that she is 1) low on sleep and 2) having a hard time adjusting to kindergarten despite loving it there. (I asked her tonight, "I know you had a bad day today, but all the other days have you liked kindergarten or not?" and she said she did.) Kes has been having a hard time getting to sleep some nights and we usually approach that by waiting for her to fall asleep and then sending Elly to bed. With 8:15 am kindergarten, that may not have been the greatest idea. It will work better once she starts the 9:35 staggered schedule. Anyway, it was a refrain I heard all afternoon: "I'm having a horrible day!" Whenever we talked about it, she seemed to understand without my help that it was her own issue - that people were not doing things to her, just that she was unable to cope and therefore very sad about things that would not bother her as much, and that she was also having a rough day by not listening and therefore having negative interactions with her teacher and me.

So, I put her to bed a half hour before her usual bedtime (which hasn't been upheld due to Kessa's issues) and I'm hoping she'll fall asleep soon, and that tomorrow will be a better day - for everyone.

Love

I asked Elly whether she wanted a Mommy cuddle or a Daddy cuddle. Her response:

"I want a Mommy cuddle because I have to practice loving you more than Daddy. Because I love Daddy more than you, but you love me more than anyone, so I need to love you more than Daddy."

Kindergarten testing

Yeah, it starts already. I have issues with standardized testing on 5 year olds, but the good news is it was 1-on-1 with her teacher with me there. And neither I nor the teacher ever referred to it as "testing". I told Elly in advance that she was going to have a special meeting with her teacher because she wanted to know what to teach Elly, so she wouldn't be having her do stuff that was too easy or too hard. And the teacher today just referred to the testing as "some activities we're going to do together." (I love this teacher... if they could all be this good we'd be set.)

Anyway, Eliana rocks. Highlights of the testing would be that the teacher asked her to count as high as she could and she went to 100, and that she read all the way up to level 14 before the teacher stopped her and decided that would be a good place to start her for the school year. (And she read all the words in level 14 perfectly... the reason to start her there was for fluency - faster reading with more inflection.) To put that in perspective, they aim to have kids reading at level 4 by the END of kindergarten, and at level 18 by the END of 1st grade. Though I'm sure Eliana could read the level 18 books now, I'm very glad at the choice to work at a level where she feels confident and can work at mastering the subtleties of reading. Also, she was able to answer the teacher's comprehension questions, and that is clearly an important component.

I'm so happy that even in today's school system, my child can be given work that is appropriate for her level. Hopefully that will last through all her school years (I have my doubts).

On our walk home, I told her she did a great job and that I was proud of her. She said, "Does level 14 mean that I read like a 6th grader?" I said, "No, a 1st grader, but that's still really good." She said, "Yeah. I'm an awesome super star."

Time apart

My favorite thing about kindergarten so far: Kes and Elly have time to miss each other! This has meant far fewer fights between them this week! It's fabulous to once again watch them have productive and cooperative playtime.

Easy to forget...

how important I am to the kids.

Tonight as I was giving Eliana her bedtime backrub, Kes started rolling around in bed, still asleep, but frowning and said, "Mama!" I teared up. She has been testing limits with me so much lately. But there it was, laid out by her subconscious: I'm the one she needs, whatever the pain, fear, uncertainty. She's still a baby, still so vulnerable, still so entwined with me.

Even Eliana. This transition to kindergarten, as well as it is going, has been a window into Eliana's needs. Last night, she couldn't settle down at bedtime. Finally I said, "Is there anything you are excited about or nervous about?" She said, "I'm nervous about my new friends." I said, "What is it about your new friends that's making you nervous?" And she said, "I don't know them very well yet." So we talked about how she'd been through this before with preschool, how the other kids don't know each other either, and that she's good at making friends. And then she fell asleep. And when I picked her up today, she yelled, "Mommy!" in a way that she's never done before with preschool. There's just a little more connection there right now, connection that she initiates. I hope that we can keep it up even when the transition is over.

I thought about all this tonight after I left Elly's bedside. So much time is spent at this age in a struggle for them to be able to assert themselves as independent people. Our interactions are so often about them distancing themselves from me: power struggles, testing limits. It makes it so easy to lose sight of just how much they still need my approval, my reassurance, my presence. I've never lost sight of how much they need my love and I don't believe they've ever had even a sliver of doubt of how much I love them. But it's easy to forget that for all of their forging their own identities, I'm the mirror that they look in at the end of the day to see who they're becoming. It's a big responsibility to be that mirror and I need to keep it in mind. And I need to treasure their vulnerability and my place in making them feel rooted, while it lasts. This is such a precious time.

I've earned it.

You know, when I was a teenager and a college student, I identified as counter-culture but I couldn't have told you what would have made me that way. Yes I was a liberal. Yes I did theatre and played violin in high school. But that just made me "arty" I think. Other than a general sense of self I can't say why I would have felt that I was marching to the beat of my own drummer. After all, I followed the mainstream way of doing things... I did my best to excel in areas that were valued by society, such as school. I even felt guilt about not majoring in a highly-esteemed specialty.

And now? I've earned it. And I have parenthood to thank. There's nothing like maternal instinct to get a person to make individual choices instead of society-based ones.

It started small, with the simple (and yet beautifully complex) act of breastfeeding. Add in a little cloth diapering and unhappiness with the experience of having had an epidural. Then an inability to feed my child regular (read: non-organic) baby food. A decision to continue breastfeeding past a year... into pregnancy... self-weaning. Walking out of Elly's first pediatrician's office when I read the flu shot insert and discovered that unlike what I had been told on the phone, it really did contain mercury, and not just trace amounts of it. Deciding to birth outside of a hospital, in a birth center, with midwives. Giving birth in water. Spacing out vaccinations. And now, planning a homebirth and beginning midwifery school myself. And through it all, feeling whole. Feeling true to myself.

And not, exactly, having a tribe. Certain things have not moved over to the counterculture parenting movement. Eliana just started public school. This baby will be circumcised, even if only for religious reasons. I do vaccinate my kids, almost fully, despite the fact that I do it on my own schedule and not the AAP's. And as much as I believe in birth, I also can not really wrap my head around unattended childbirth (except for parents who want to put birth entirely in G-d's hands, I completely respect that). So sometimes I get backlash from both sides.

That's okay. I'm fortunate enough to have friends to bond with despite differences in parenting style - whether I'm the "crunchy" one or they are. And more importantly, I'm finally who I am, unashamed, just when it matters most... for the future of my family.

Email

Tonight, without help from me, to my parents.

subject: frum elly gldsen

hi gramo and grapo i luve you as much as 1001000
luve elly
my frst oreintashshin day at kindrgrdin toomoro

Elly did get some of my genes...

Tonight, Eliana had just finished reading a book and I told her it was now time for bed.
Elly: "Just a minute. I want to feel Donovan kicking just like you were doing."
Me: "Well he's not really kicking. He might move around a little bit for you though."
Elly put her hands on my belly. Nothing happened. She gently pushed in one spot. He shifted position a little bit.
Elly: "Your belly is slobbery. Did you put something on it?"
Me: "Yes, that's oil. My skin hurts from getting so stretched out on my big belly, and the oil helps it feel much better."
Elly (pushing gently in a circle around my belly): "I have to practice pushing on your belly to feel the baby just like Miss Mason does. So, when I grow up I'm going to go to doctor school just like Aunt Katie."
At this point, Donovan really woke up and started moving his legs a lot, and kept it up for the rest of the conversation.
Me: "OK. Aunt Katie is going to be a doctor that takes care of people's eyes. What kind of doctor do you want to be?"
Elly: "A doctor that takes care of people's babies, like Miss Mason."
Me: "Miss Mason is a midwife. There are doctors that take care of babies in bellies too. Do you want to be a midwife or a doctor?"
Elly: "A midwife. Look, here's something hard. Maybe it's his head. Or maybe it's his foot."
Me: "He's so big now that his head wouldn't feel so little or be able to move around so fast."
Elly: "Oh, then it's definitely his foot. And here's his other foot, because I feel something hard over here." (I didn't check, but she was probably feeling his butt... or just the fact that my uterus is pretty firm at this point.) "Here's another hard part and it's really big, so this is his head. Mommy, look how big your belly got. It used to be so little with a little baby in it and now it's big with a big baby in it."
Me: "Yep. I'm 33 weeks now."
Elly: "33 weeks pregnant?"
Me: "Yep. Babies can come out anytime between 37 weeks and 42 weeks. They get to choose though, so we don't know when he's going to come out. It's over a month of time that he could choose to be born. But it's still too early. Babies can be born early but then they're sick and have to stay in the hospital."
Elly: "I think he's getting too big and he should come out now or he might be sick and go to the hospital."
Me: "No, he's pretty big but he's still not big enough to come out. We all have to wait a while longer. I know you are enjoying feeling my belly and playing with Donovan but it's your bedtime. Give him a hug goodnight and give me a hug goodnight, and Daddy will give you your first cuddle."
Elly: "But Mommy, I have to do this again tomorrow so I can learn how to feel babies and so when I grow up I can go to doctor school and be a midwife."
Me: "There's different school to be a midwife, so you can choose what you want to do."
Elly: "I want to go to midwife school."
Me: "OK. Tomorrow you can feel Donovan some more. Night."
Elly: "Night. Hey Daddy," (pounces on him) "did you know that lions eat meat? I learned that when I was reading Sammy the Seal tonight. And Mommy has oil on her belly to make it not hurt from getting so big."

Early sleep

I came out from putting Kes to sleep to find Elly asleep on the living room floor with her blankie wrapped around her head. I waited for her waterproof mattress pad to be dry, made her bed, and carried her to her bed (I haven't carried her in months because she is too heavy, but I figured I could do it since Kes is only 7 lbs less). When I put her into the bed she started crying and saying over and over "but I don't want to go to bed! I was just taking a little rest!" Finally she said, "But I want to go to bed at 20 o'clock!" I said, "Honey it IS 20 o'clock" and she immediately stopped crying, put her blankie on her nose, and was back asleep within seconds.

Miraculously Kes slept through the whole thing.

Dang they're cute.

Your Children Are Not Your Children

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you
with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so
He loves also the bow that is stable.
-Kahlil Gibran

3 years old...

Hard to believe, but Kesenia is three today! She remains the sprite she's been all along, and her healing spirit becomes more evident all the time - many other moms from preschool, and my friends, have mentioned it to me despite barely knowing her. The past few months the fiery side of her personality is showing up more often - I suppose that's to be expected at this age. She is excited to be a big sister (perhaps because she has such a great big sister) and tells me every day that my belly is getting bigger but that baby brother is not ready to come out yet. She still has quite the hair fetish and remains a thumb sucker. (She was a mess on our trip to the snow earlier this year... the mittens kept her from self-soothing with either!) She is thrilled to be three because I have been telling her for the past year she couldn't have gum until she turned 3 - she now says, "I'm three for gum!" Oh, and "K, E, two S's (etheth) and a A, that sounds like Ketha!"

Baby update, 30 weeks

Baby is healthy. After spending an unnecessarily long amount of time sideways in my belly (in my opinion anyway), he's finally moved to vertical, and better than just vertical, head-down. He's more active than Kes was in utero, but less than Elly (phew!), and I think he's very strong for his size. Every midwife visit, he checks out fabulously for growth and heart rate.

And, he has a name. Unlike my other two pregnancies, when I felt I needed to see the baby first to confirm the name, and when I couldn't understand why people called their babies by name before they were born, this pregnancy I have had the urge the entire time to name him and talk to him using his name. Scott and I chose this name a number of weeks ago, and since neither of us have changed our minds since, we've started using his name and are ready to share: our little boy is Donovan Charles.

Target

It's a good thing I don't embarrass easily.

We went to Target to get some care package items for a new mama/daddy/baby and of course the first thing I see on the way in is the swimsuits. I want a tie top for the birthing tub (none of my bikini tops will actually cover anything right now) so I started browsing. Elly suggested suit after suit until I finally told her that I was just looking for a top. She said, "Oh, you need a breasts suit."

Right then, Kes jumped in the air and said, "I have to go pee!" So we went to the bathroom. With Kes and I both in dresses, the topic turned to belly buttons. I asked the girls if they knew anything that was different about my belly button while I was pregnant compared to before I was pregnant. Elly said, "Yeah, now it has a uterus in it."

Elly quotes

In Taco Bell, when a cooking timer beeped: "Mommy, I know why it's called Taco Bell. Because when the bell goes off, you're allowed to keep talking."

The first thing she told me upon waking this morning: "Look Mommy, I got a tarantula bite last night!" (It was a pretty big spider bite! And tarantula was pronounced "charanchula")

Stomping down the hallway after being sent to bed (at bedtime... I'm such a mean mom): "I'm losing my temper!"

Lying down in her new mattress (the bed isn't here yet) at the usual bedtime cuddle time: "You can't lay down in my bed with me because you're too big. If I even jump on it, it will break, so you will break it because you're too heavy for it. You can just put your head and your arm on it with me."

Oh, and when I got to preschool today to pick up the girls, Elly was in the teacher's chair reading Cat in the Hat to the remaining kids. *sob*

A generous offer

Meriden has been coveting the hello kitty tin "lunchbox" container since she got here. Kes has been pretty protective of it, but has been mostly happy to share her toys. Yesterday she loaded the lunchbox up with wooden noah's ark animals and brought it over to Meriden, opened it up for her, and said, "Here. You can have every single animal in the world that you want." Meriden grinned at her and grabbed a few out. Ah, cousins.

A Full House

Brian, Kate, Meriden, and Rowan arrived last Thursday to stay with us for a month. Kate is doing a rotation for med school nearby so I offered to let them stay with us so they don't have to pay for a hotel or monthly rental. Brian is able to work out of Google's local office and just go back to his usual one for occasional important meetings. Since I'm not quite crazy enough to offer to be childcare for 1-year old twins while pregnant and parenting my own 5 and almost-3 year old children, I am also housing my mom for the first two weeks, and Kate's mom for the second two weeks. So it's crazy around here, very busy, but super fun. The girls love having their family visiting, and so do I. And Scott has been a great sport about the whole thing.

A Very Kessa Story

Once upon a time, there were some squirrels. There was a baby squirrel and a mama squirrel, and a squirrel. And they did all the squirrel fings in the world. And then a dinosaur came, and the squirrels said "no! no! don't eat me!" and then the dinosaur went away because the dinosaur can't live in the place where the squirrels live. In the jungle. And the squirrels lived ever after. The end.

Girly war

While I was sick this weekend, we rented A Bug's Life. This morning Elly and Kes were marching all over the house and I overheard Elly say: "We have to kill the grasshoppers! I have to put my fighting necklace on."

Vegetarians can't be cannibals

Me: "I'm gonna eat you!"
Elly: "NO!"
Me: "Oh. I thought you were yummy. You're not yummy?"
Elly: "No, Mommy, you won't like me because I will be meat."



While I was typing this, Kes just ran into the room, buck naked, and said, "Bye Mommy, we're going to the park!"

Growing up

Kes is growing up. Today, she said, "Mommy, I need a drink." Like, with a D. Not a G. I said, "OK, and do you want to get dressed?" She said, "No I don't want to get dressed." With a D.

Waaaaaaah! Her CH's are getting better too.

Oh well, at least she still lisps.

Well, I'll bean...

Elly, stomping away from the kitchen table after giving up on finishing her very messy burrito: "I don't like these beans. They're not ORGANIC."

Kes

The other night, over for dinner at Mason's house, she told me, "Liesl and I love all the kids that we work with. But Kes is Liesl's favorite."

Kes is a LOT of people's favorite kid ever. Sometimes that even includes their own.

And what I don't understand is what I did that was so good that I get to be her mother. I'm so very lucky to have this amazing human being as my child.

How to make spice

"Put sugar and some broccoli and powder, then mix it all up, then add milk, then mix it all up again." - Elly

Daddy's birthday

I wrote "Happy Birthday to my Daddy" on a card for Kes to decorate.

Me: "Elly, do you want me to write anything on your card or do you want to do it yourself?"
Elly: "All myself." (takes paper) "Happy Birthday. Ha - H, A. Happy, hap - P. Happy. Mommy, does happy have one E or 2 E's?"
Me: "What letter is a borrower that sometimes borrows from E?"
Elly: "A? No. Y? Yeah, Y. Happy, Y. Birthday. B. Bir - R. Bir, f. No, th. T, H, right Mommy?"
Me: "Right."
Elly: "T. H. No that's not an H. I'll make that into a square for the H. H." (writes H inside square) "Day. D. A. Mommy what's next?"
Me: "How do you spell Day?"
Elly: "D-A-Y. Y."

So Daddy has a beautiful card with HAPY BRTHDAY on it, except it says more like
HAP
THDA
BRYY
because she doesn't totally get the whole L-R in a line thing.

puzzle

Kes: "Eliana, we are doing a very great time!"
Elly: "Grandma, I don't want to keep this puzzle. It doesn't cooperate!"

Big brothers and little brothers

Yesterday morning as I buckled Elly into her carseat, I told her we'd be having pictures taken of the baby in my belly while she was at school.

Elly: "And it's going to be a girl."
Me: "You think it's a girl?"
Elly: "Yeah, cuz I'm afraid of big brothers."
Me: "Well, even if it's a boy it will never be the big brother, it will only be your little brother, because you're bigger. And besides, brothers aren't so bad. Your Uncle Brian is my big brother."
Elly: "Yeah, I know."

So we went to the ultrasound, and yes, it's a boy!

Picking up from school:
Me: "Eliana, the baby in my belly is a boy. You're going to have a baby brother!"
Elly: "Awww, a baby boy!" Hugs my belly. Pats my belly. "Hi baby brother."

Lions and Tigers and...

Yesterday as we were running errands, we walked past a Chinese/Thai/Vietnamese (seriously, I swear there were different sections on the menu) restaurant that had lion statues out in front. These guardian lions have gem balls inside their mouth that can roll around but not be removed; in this case they were a beautiful marble.

Eliana and Kes stopped and wanted to play with the lions; specifically, Eliana wanted to remove the ball from the lion's mouth. It was hot. We'd been walking a while. I am pregnant. Therefore, I didn't really feel like stopping (20 feet from the air conditioned store that we were about to walk into) to wait for her to finally give up on the impossible (which takes her quite a while). Eliana gave me the perfect opportunity:

"Mommy, why does the lion have a ball in its mouth?"
Me: "Oh, that's what makes it a statue. If the magic ball comes out it'll turn back into a real lion."
Elly: "No, Mommy. That's just pretend. Statues are just statues, they don't turn real."
(Inner monologue: Dangit! Who gave you permission to outgrow fantasy already? There are real advantages to your maturing into a 5 year old but this is not one of them... Maybe I can be persuasive enough to appeal to leftover 4 year old fantasy...)
Me: "Most statues, yes. But these ones are real lions that just have magic balls to make them statues. I don't want to take a chance that the lion will come to life and eat all of us."
Elly: (stops playing with the ball and walks quickly in the direction of the store) "I don't want the lion to eat me."
A minute passes, we reach the store.
Elly: "But if the lion ate all of us, and we were all in the lion's belly, it would be nice that we were still together. (Pause.) But that would hurt when the lion ate us, so I don't want that."


On that note, today Eliana was remembering that I told her a special surprise trip is in store for her tomorrow. (We are going to the Monterey Bay Aquarium.)
She said, "Mommy, let's go to Tilden Park tomorrow!"
Me: "We're going somewhere you've never been before, and it's a surprise."
Elly: "Is it the jungle?"
Me: "Nope, not the jungle."
Elly: "Oh good, cuz there are tigers there."
Kes: "And they would eat us all up."

Elly's mitzvah note to Kessa

"Daddy, tell Mommy to write a mitzvah note for Kes. It should say, 'Dear Kes, good job eating the dutch babies with the lemon syrup. High five.'"

Wings

Kes: "Mama, there's a bird in the sky. It's flying."
Me: "Oh, look at it. Can you fly too?"
Kes: "No."
Me: "Are you sure?"
Kes: "No! I don't got wings!"

Elly sure seems to though. Tonight she counted to 100. (To Kes, in the next room. If I asked her, it would never happen.) Yesterday we pulled up and parked next to a banking institution called "Capital Market Accounts". She said, "Mommy, are we buying our food at that market?" She's soaring. How did she get so big?

The Facts of Life

When it comes to anatomy and physiology, Elly is on top of her game. She understands bone v. muscle, blood through the heart, oxygen through breathing, the way cuts and bruises heal, etc. She knows what death is and hates the very idea. She knows a penis from a vulva, and how adults look different from kids.

And, being my child, she not only knows how babies are born, she is highly interested in the whole process. She saw my cervix when she was 3 years old (thank you, Beah). Also at barely three, when my periods came back after Kessa's birth, she asked all sorts of questions and learned about periods. ("What's that?" "Blood." "Do you have an owie?" "No, that just happens to grown-up mommies when there's no baby in their belly." "Why?" "Because babies need the blood to grow, but if there's no baby the mommy doesn't need the blood so it comes out." "But why isn't there a baby in your belly?" "uuuuuuhhhhhh." "I know why... because it already came out! It's Kessa!") She knows that babies start out tiny and grow bigger until they're real babies who are ready to come out. She knows they come out the vagina and the vagina stretches wide to let the baby through, and that it can hurt but that's OK because it does not harm the mommy. She knows that some babies come out at the hospital, some in a "midwife house" and some at home. She knows that some babies have to come out through a cut in the mommy's belly. She knows that sometimes mommies have two babies in their belly.

And she recently figured out a very important fact of life: that all of this is the domain of women. Men do not give birth.

"Mommy, why can't men have babies?"
"Because they don't have a uterus."

That satisfied her for a week. Then came:

"Mommy, men don't have uteruses, right? What do men have instead of a uterus?"

OK, where do babies come from I was prepared for. What do men have instead of a uterus... not so much. I can't remember exactly what I said, but I think it was something about we could look in a book together and see what's on the inside of a man's body. She hasn't brought it up again, so she still doesn't know what a man has instead of a uterus... and I have a feeling when it comes up again, I'll also be explaining how the baby gets in the mommy's uterus.

Passover

I must say, Elly rocked the seders. She may have a well-deserved reputation as a bit of a banshee, but come Saturday night's seder which lasted 3 hours and didn't even start until her bedtime, she rocked. She sat properly at the table. She listened, or played quietly with the plague frogs or her seder coloring book, or talked to me in a quiet voice. She sang "Ma Nishtanah" all by herself in front of not only relatives but also complete strangers. She let one of said complete strangers make her the assistant in all his Passover-appropriate magic tricks. She was very patient with her younger cousin, who required, well, quite a bit of patience.

Now, this is not to say that she was perfect. I did have to remind her of the rules from time to time. That said, she actually obeyed these reminders without fuss.

Dare I hope we are entering a new era, in which Eliana is slightly more cooperative? I didn't think so... but have gotten much encouragement from other moms of spirited daughters who say it gets much easier as they get older. I gave up on the maturing out of it idea long ago. Perhaps I was wrong to... but I'm waiting for proof as time passes.

The second night, I brought both kids. The second night seder consisted of my in-laws, my mom, Scott, me, and the kids. Both kids did great. Kes sang Ma Nishtanah, very bashfully, even hiding her face in my lap for part of it. Very cute. At the end of the night, someone gave Elly a compliment on her behavior, and she said, "I know! I'm very happy about myself."

The Series Finale

I suppose 14 weeks pregnant is a good time to introduce #3 to the blog.

This baby has kicked my butt so far. Such a hard pregnancy. I felt drunk and hung over at the same time for a few months, in addition to the regular feel of pregnancy nausea and fatigue (note lack of posts for said time period). I was barely functional. Now I am feeling better but it is still harder than my girls. Add to that some other new symptoms and I am pretty sure this is a boy.

Last night I had a dream that the baby was born. It was a boy and he didn't look a thing like either one of the names Scott and I are discussing. We got out the baby name book and couldn't come up with anything. Funny. He was a big'un... I guess my subconscious remembers what my babies look like, even after having attended all these births with regular and smallish babies since Kes was born. (9 of the 11 babies have been between 6-8 and 7-11)

I did have a girl dream a while back, but I blame that on a friend that said I was jinxing myself into a girl by thinking it was a boy... I had the dream that night, and in the dream it wasn't my baby. This was at 12 weeks, but in the dream I was 14 weeks and I woke up and I was bleeding and I said, oh no the baby. Scott, my mom, and my midwives (who of course, being in a dream, were not actually *my* midwives) all said, no, you gave birth, here she is... and presented me with a robust full-term baby girl. I said "but I'm 14 weeks" and they said, "well, your dates must've been off, because she's 8 pounds" and I didn't say anything but I decided I'd had a miscarriage and they'd presented me with someone else's baby to keep me from being sad, because my belly hadn't been big enough to house an 8 lb baby (not even a 2 lb baby).

The girls are thrilled. Elly can't wait and says she wants to be at the birth - not just the moment of birth but "the whole. I don't want to miss anything." (She IS my child, despite most of the evidence.) It is very abstract to Kes, but she will tell you that there's a baby in my belly, that it will come out, and that she'll be a big sister - it's just that there is no concept to her whether it's going to come out tomorrow or when she's 10.

Scott is really calm and has embraced this pregnancy and supported me with grace. (Male grace.) He is fully on board with the homebirth, which I appreciate so much.

I feel little baby movements, time and again. I love it. I'm looking forward to having them be stronger and more frequent. Feeling baby is my favorite part of pregnancy.

Recent quotes

Kes: "Hi, what's your name?"
"I'm kitty, what's your name?"
"I'm dinosaur. Nice to meet you."
"Nice to meet you too!"
"Wanna play?"
"Yeah!"
"doo doo doo doo doo doo doo."

Elly: "Mommy, I love you 29 and I love Daddy 30, because I love him more than you."
Scott: (laughs)
Me: "Oh? Why?"
Elly: "Because he doesn't yell as much."
Scott: (looks confused)
Me: "You're not home as much as I am."
Scott: "Exactly."

Kes: "Mommy, is that your vulva?"
Me: "Yes, honey."
Kes: "But Daddy has a round and round, and a straight line down, and that's his kinda like a vulva."
(This was even funnier in person as she demonstrated with her index finger.)

Elly: (catches my blown kisses) "But Mommy, tomorrow your kisses will be gone."
Me: "That's OK, they'll rub off your cheeks on to your pillow and then your pillow will be full of Mommy love."
Elly: "No, they're going to go down into my belly, and then they'll go into my testines, and then they'll come out as poo. Will the poo be pink with your kisses in it?"
Me: "No honey."
Elly: "Oh. Poo is always brown, right?"
Sigh... I liked my explanation better.

Me: "I love you Kesenia Lily."
Kes: "I love you Megan."

Gorgeous

In a public bathroom with a stainless steel toilet bowl:

Kes: "Mommy, that's the most gordzous toilet I've never seen!"


My favorite word of Kessa's right now is "clricky." As in "Mommy, watch this! It's a very clricky thing for me to do. I did it! Whew, that was clricky."

Elly's academia

I do nothing, I swear. I am not didactic with this kid at all. We talk about stuff, but mostly because she asks me. But I never sit down and teach her. So what happens? She's still way too smart.

Me: "You have 14 toes."
Elly: "No!"
Me: "You have 8 toes."
Elly: "No! I have 10 toes. And 10 plus 10 is 20."
Me: "Wow, that's right!" (Thought to self, cool, she remembers counting all her fingers and toes a couple weeks ago... and she translated that into a math problem... cool. Then she blew me away:)
Elly: "And 11 plus 9 is 20."
Floored.

Today she read "Vitamin A & D milk" off the carton. She constantly is reading restaurant and store signs as we drive across town (it reminds me of my Grandma Anne who used to do this whenever we went anywhere). Tonight she read a 100 word 1st grade level book with only three prompts: Castle ("yes, that's what it should say, but it doesn't play fair, what do you think it says?") brought ("that doesn't play fair, the o-u-g-h is just saying o's sound") and general ("g usually says 'g' but an e usually makes a g say j's sound").

Good nights

I have been meaning to write down the current nighttime song rituals. I am sure they will change as they always have, and I can never remember what they used to be, once they're gone. So here's current. This is for Kes, who goes to sleep first. Then I leave and Eliana reads to me. I read to her, we have our "talk time", and she has a snack. Then I put her to bed and sing her one song of her choosing.

I Will (the Beatles)
Lullaby (Brahms and my mama)
Hinei Ma Tov (traditional Jewish, re-melodied by Rick Recht)
Shir Chadash (Psalm 96, melody by Julie Silver)

I Will

Who knows how long I've loved you
Although I always will
Will I wait a lonely lifetime
If you want me to, I will

Love you forever and forever
Love you with all my heart
Love you whenever we're together
Love you when we're apart

And when at last I find you
Your song will fill the air
Sing it loud so I can hear you
Make it easy to be hear you
For the things you do endear you to me
Oh you know I will
I will

Lullaby

Lullaby and goodnight
Go to sleep sweet Kesenia
Mommy loves you, Daddy too
Go to sleep and close your eyes
Day is gone, night has come
and the whole world is sleeping
Day is gone, night has come,
rest your head and go to sleep.

Hinei Ma Tov

Hinei ma tov uma na'im
Shevet achim gam yachad (repeated)

(which means, roughly, "how wonderful to be together")

Shir Chadash

Shiru l'Adonai kol ha-aretz
Shiru l'Adonai shir chadash
Sing unto God all the earth a new song
I will sing unto God a new song
Sing unto God and we'll all sing along
Unto God all the earth a new song
Shiru l'Adonai kol ha-aretz
Shiru l'Adonai shir chadash
Shiru l'Adonai shir chadash

Usually the one song Elly chooses is Hinei or I Will (aka "The Love You Song"), but occasionally she wants The Man in the Moon:

The Man in the Moon, as he sails the sky
is a most remarkable skipper
But he made a mistake when he tried to take
a drink of milk from the dipper
He dipped it in the Milky Way
and slowly and carefully filled it
The big bear growled and the little bear howled
and frightened him so that he spilled it.

wackadoo

I was holding Kessa tonight and she was being very cuddly and kissing me on both my cheeks and saying cute things to Scott.

Scott: "Kessa, you're a cutie."

Kessa, grinning from ear to ear: "No, I'n not. I'n a wackadoo!"

Kessa language

On the highest bleacher: "Mommy, I'm very at the toppest."

dr = gr
grink
gress
gragonfly
grain
graw
gream
gry
grip
grive
grop
grum


Target = Tigret
dinosaur = dinafour
shoes = foos

"I'm going to the doctor."
Why?
"Because my family's at there."

Elly quotes

A recent morning, sick: "I love Mommy mucher than Daddy."

When Scott came home this evening (she is still getting over her cold): "Daddy, daddy! Mommy gave me some honey, just honey by itself, because I sounded like a 13 year old boy. It was sweet. But there's still a lot left in the jar."

Elly: "Mommy, I want a baby to come out of your belly now."
Me: "It can't come out because there's nothing in there."
Elly: "But when it comes out, can I see it?"
Me: "Sure. It takes a long time for a baby to come out, so Grandma will take care of you, and she'll bring you in when it's time for the baby to be born."
Elly: "No, Mommy. I want to see the whole. I don't want to miss anything!"
(Hmmm... maybe she does take after me just a little bit.)

She's obsessed with the gender of the mice in a book we have: "Mommy, wait, don't turn the page. I have to keep looking."
Me: "What are you looking for?"
Elly: "I want to see if they're boys or girls. I don't see any penis in their fur. Maybe they're all girls!"
(Yeah, or maybe it wouldn't be appropriate to draw mouse genitalia in a children's book.)

Scott: "What kind of bird is that?" (pointing to vulture in book)
Elly: "A pelican."
Scott: "No, I think it's a vulture."
Elly: "Well, pelican is vulture in Hebrew."

Revamping discipline

We recently underwent a major discipline revamping. A letter that I wrote to preschool in response to hearing about issues (and noticing a bit of a personality conflict with a teacher) sums them up pretty well. So, for posterity:

It has come to my attention that Eliana is testing limits and pushing buttons at preschool. Well, that sounds like the Eliana I know and love (though I’m not enamored with this behavior). I have some years of experience both working and living with children, and Eliana broke the mold of standard discipline techniques I’d learned and used. They simply did not work to improve her behavior. Worse, I started seeing negative impacts on her emotional security. So, I started brainstorming and reading, looking for a new approach. I want to share with you what has helped us so far. Here are some of the strong personality traits Eliana exhibits, with examples of how I try to respect her personality while deterring undesirable behavior:

Intensity. This trait refers to the strength of emotional reactions. “Intense” is the one word that best captures Eliana’s personality! It helps to understand that Eliana is not being “dramatic” but really does feel very deeply, both positively and negatively. Please try to be patient with her strong negative reactions, and enjoy the enthusiasm of her positive ones. Here are some ways I address her undesirable outbursts:
• First and foremost, I counteract her intensity by staying calm (well… I do my best).
• “You’re having really big feelings right now. That’s okay. I’ll wait for you to calm yourself enough to talk.” I use this when she is crying about not having her way, either with me or with her sister. When it’s a fight with her sister, sometimes I add, “I can help you find the words to work it out together.” Often it calms her right away, perhaps because she feels heard.
• “It’s okay to be upset, but it’s not okay to [scream, throw something, etc]. Go ahead and let your [sads, angries, etc] out,” (sometimes providing choices on how to do so appropriately,) “and then you need to [say sorry, pick it up, etc.] and I hope you’ll use some words to tell me about your feelings.” If she was upset about something I am asking her to do, I add, “I will still expect you to do what I said.”

Seriousness. Eliana can be very silly, but overall she is quite serious. I believe this combines with her intensity to make her sound very impolite sometimes. (Another factor is mirroring, discussed below.) Eliana usually responds very well to a second chance to be polite! Here are some examples of how I give her that second chance:
• “I know you can say that more politely. Please show me.”
• “Yes, I will, but it makes me much happier to do it when you ask politely.”
• “[Your sister, your friends, I] like to hear polite words from you.”
• “Try that again, please.”

Perceptiveness. Eliana frequently tells me about small details I never pick up on. Sometimes, I have a hard time getting her attention, even when I am saying something I know she will like. (“Eliana, do you want chocolate ice cream or cookies and cream?”) It can feel like evasion, but it is usually not; instead it is difficulty with shifting focus to me from other stimuli. Please use your knowledge of this personality trait to remember that she is not “ignoring” you, but that she needs gentle help shifting her attention to you and/or your needs. Here are ways I do that:
• Touch her gently and bend down close to her face. Speak gently and positively.
• “Eliana, you want to keep [looking at, doing, thinking about, xyz] but I am talking to you. Please listen now and answer me/do what I am telling you.”
• “You’re noticing interesting things, but I need you to focus on me right now.”
• “I want to hear all about that, but first answer my question (or do what I’m telling you) and you can tell me about it [in X timeframe].” Eliana hates the word later; it is too imprecise. (A week?)

Mirroring. Eliana’s behavior is very strongly linked to that of the people who are around her. I think all kids do this to some degree, but for Eliana it’s huge. So, it helps to maintain a polite and patient demeanor with her, even when she is pushing our buttons. I know this is hard especially for anyone who is intense and/or serious like she is, but it can mean the difference between helping her out of a funk or making it worse (or even starting it). Mirroring also can be used to help - if I am maintaining my calm and she is nevertheless talking rudely or yelling, it can help her calm down when I tell her, “I am [angry, frustrated, etc] but I am not yelling at you. Please use a friendly voice with me too.”
Self-labeling. Right now especially, Eliana is generalizing behavior into personality. Many of the conventional discipline techniques that I have used in the past, such as time-out and consequences, have not changed her behavior for the better, but rather for the worse. I believe those techniques communicated to her that she was “a bad girl.” (I have never used the term bad girl to refer to her or anybody; those words bother me.) That happened gradually, but it also works specifically: if I speak to her like I expect defiance, I’ll get defiance. On the other hand, anticipating good behavior really helps her show good behavior. By always treating Eliana in such a way that she can label herself as “good”, we can help increase the likelihood that she will respond positively in the moment, and also increase the overall number of good choices that she makes.

I know this is long, so let me sum up what I am hoping to communicate to you:
• As with all kids, consistency is key, but Eliana needs a bit more to help her with her intense personality.
• Maintaining patience, calm, and positivity with Eliana helps her cope with her intensity, prevents negative mirroring and self-labeling, and teaches her desirable behaviors.
• My overall short-term goal is to help her understand that it’s okay to be who she is, but that certain behaviors are not okay, and to teach her what the appropriate behaviors are.
• My long-term goal is to help her blossom into a grown woman whose strong personality traits are channeled into positive outlets.

MY spirited child

I LOVE Raising Your Spirited Child! Works marvelously with MY spirited child, where none of the other strategies I have tried - not my own from years of experience working with children, nor those suggested by Dr. Sears(es) and E. Pantley - have ever helped her, only made both of us really really mad at each other. Now to re-read it every 3 months until it's automatic for me.