I've earned it.

You know, when I was a teenager and a college student, I identified as counter-culture but I couldn't have told you what would have made me that way. Yes I was a liberal. Yes I did theatre and played violin in high school. But that just made me "arty" I think. Other than a general sense of self I can't say why I would have felt that I was marching to the beat of my own drummer. After all, I followed the mainstream way of doing things... I did my best to excel in areas that were valued by society, such as school. I even felt guilt about not majoring in a highly-esteemed specialty.

And now? I've earned it. And I have parenthood to thank. There's nothing like maternal instinct to get a person to make individual choices instead of society-based ones.

It started small, with the simple (and yet beautifully complex) act of breastfeeding. Add in a little cloth diapering and unhappiness with the experience of having had an epidural. Then an inability to feed my child regular (read: non-organic) baby food. A decision to continue breastfeeding past a year... into pregnancy... self-weaning. Walking out of Elly's first pediatrician's office when I read the flu shot insert and discovered that unlike what I had been told on the phone, it really did contain mercury, and not just trace amounts of it. Deciding to birth outside of a hospital, in a birth center, with midwives. Giving birth in water. Spacing out vaccinations. And now, planning a homebirth and beginning midwifery school myself. And through it all, feeling whole. Feeling true to myself.

And not, exactly, having a tribe. Certain things have not moved over to the counterculture parenting movement. Eliana just started public school. This baby will be circumcised, even if only for religious reasons. I do vaccinate my kids, almost fully, despite the fact that I do it on my own schedule and not the AAP's. And as much as I believe in birth, I also can not really wrap my head around unattended childbirth (except for parents who want to put birth entirely in G-d's hands, I completely respect that). So sometimes I get backlash from both sides.

That's okay. I'm fortunate enough to have friends to bond with despite differences in parenting style - whether I'm the "crunchy" one or they are. And more importantly, I'm finally who I am, unashamed, just when it matters most... for the future of my family.