"Clearing up my perspective"

A while back, I posted a link on Facebook to http://www.cesareanscar.com as a request for people to think about how deeply cesarean affects women. Cesareanscar includes a whole range of emotional reactions to cesarean, but some people did not seem to visit the site and instead assumed what it might say. One comment on my Facebook page was a woman who had needed a hysterectomy as a young woman and who had not had any children reminding all those who have borne children to be thankful. I responded that women who have had cesareans are acutely aware and grateful for the existence and health of their child, and that this does not negate any other feelings they may have. Others added to the discussion enough for me to feel that perhaps I had not made my feelings on birth experience clear. These feelings are too lengthy for a Facebook comment. I wrote the following piece in response to this experience; because this was spurred by the link to cesareanscar.com, it focuses on cesarean experience but holds true for any birth experience.


Clearing up my perspective

In 1904, a woman gave birth to her first child. In 1906, her next child was born. Two girls. They would have had two brothers after them, but each time, the doctor came out of the birth room to ask the father whether he should save the mother or the child. Each time he opted to save the mother. (In order to do so, the doctor killed the baby and extracted it in pieces. If he had saved the baby, he would have performed a cesarean, assuming an outcome of maternal death due to the high mortality rate associated with it in those days.)

The first child was my grandmother. In 1939, she gave birth to her only child. She was told she should not have any more children should she wish to survive to raise my father.

Clearly, I understand the value of cesarean. Two dead babies and some never-conceived aunts and uncles would have been around if cesarean had been an option in those days. Today, many lives are saved by cesarean, sometimes mothers, sometimes babies. Many cesareans are performed just in case, when a question arises about the safety of continuing with the birthing process. Most of these babies would have been fine, but since we don't know which ones, it makes sense to do a cesarean when the risks of cesarean become better than the risks of continuing with the birthing process. Unfortunately, in our country, at least half of cesareans are done either before the risk ratio tilts in this direction, or after it does so due to previous unnecessary interventions. But let's pretend that every cesarean was life-saving, and heck, let's even pretend that cesarean carries no greater physical risk than vaginal birth.

I still would understand, support, and defend women who are upset by the experience. Why? Because humans are emotional beings that deserve to grieve when they need to, and to be supported in healing. And honestly, it is a reasonable thing to be disturbed by the experience of having the happiest day of your life also be a medical event. Many people are disturbed by medical experiences alone; I know many people who hate going to the dentist or having blood drawn. When something as emotional as having a baby involves invasive procedures, some people will be fine with that and some will be traumatized. When you add in the lack of respect that happens in some medicalized births for the incredible experience of your baby's entrance into the world, the number of traumatized women increases. It is possible to honor the miracle even in the context of surgery, and I wonder if the women who emerge from cesarean emotionally well were honored better. In fact, it's usually women feeling disregarded or disrespected that causes them the most trauma (whether birth is cesarean or vaginal).

The idea that the birth experience doesn't matter is the predominant idea in this country and it bothers me quite a lot. It is not the most important thing, this is true. The vast majority (99.99%?) of mothers would submit to any kind of birth experience for the sake of their baby. But we get into a slippery slope if we start to think that only outcome matters. If your house is broken into by a man who is going to kill you anyway, is it OK for him to rape you first? If you come home from a war, should you not be "allowed" to have PTSD from what you saw there, and just be grateful that you are alive? If you walk away from a car accident, is it ridiculous to have nightmares?

I believe that people should feel what they feel, and if you happen to think it would be better for them that they stop having those feelings, perhaps the best way to help them stop is to support them on a path through and out of their pain, rather than telling them it's inappropriate.

When resistance to the idea of birth trauma comes from women who have had similar experiences to those who do feel trauma, I wonder if they feel as though they are being judged. I certainly hope I do not do or say anything that feels like judgment to anyone. I find birthing women strong, capable, and brave regardless of how their babies get here, regardless of the choices they make around birth. I respect each and every one of you for who you are. I respect what you think and feel. I am blessed to know you. I enjoy seeing my friends feel strong. I dislike seeing strong, amazing women feel guilt, regret, disempowerment. I post information here not because I am judging anyone's experience but because I see two ways to help more women feel their strength - one by changing the birth culture to support more women finding their strength in birth rather than being knocked down, and two by listening to women talk through any negative feelings that have come up for them and being alongside them as they navigate the path to healing. All my posts about birth are meant to build up a healthy birth culture, not to knock down anyone who had a different experience than what I am posting.

I hope you all feel the strength I see in you.