Shrug, crushed.

"What an expansive year, and yet, it all felt normal. It all just happened. It was simply the life I was living. Other people would remark on it, and I'd be speechless, feeling an internal shrug. It was what it was."

It's been less than five months since I posted this. That shrug? Gone.

A few births blew open subconscious preconceptions I held about the realm of possibility in this world. They proved to me again (and again) that I am able to remain steady and get the job done in tense moments, but for the first time I felt truly shaken after all was secured. For the first time, the ground felt uncertain under me for not only a day but weeks, and I questioned what I knew and what I wanted. Now, I know more. I remember and confirm what I want.

My kids have stretched me, too. I suppose I shouldn't put it that way, because it's more that I'm doing the hard work of examining what I expect from myself as their mother. Really, it comes down to that I'm working harder than I ever have before, , and I miss them. It was planned, and planned to be temporary, and it will resolve on its own. There are practical decisions to make, such as their schooling for next year (home or private? If home, which charter?) and where and when to move houses.

Being a midwife is mindblowing, heart and soul work. Being a parent is heart-wrenching, expansive work. Doing both is, perhaps, as everyone told me, crazy. I love both. But no more shrugs, I admit it, this is huge.