Sick

Being sick and on call sucks. It is probably my least favorite thing about being on call - the feeling that I could miss a birth. When I was a doula for hospital births, it was always about letting the moms down - I was to be the only person in a professional role who would stay with them the entire birth, so my presence was extremely important. In the apprentice role, they probably hardly miss me if at all - they'll be attended consistently by midwives whom they know as well as they know me, won't feel anything lacking in my absence, and even if outside of labor they might think, "I like Megan a lot and really want her at my birth," chances are in the moment they'll be too busy to care. But now, I need the births... and not just the numbers to check off to graduate and take my licensing exam. I need the learning experiences that births offer, whether they go completely smoothly or have complications; every experience becomes integrated into my knowledge of how to manage someone's labor - or to sit back and let it unfold beautifully on its own.

It's sort of like a wedding: I remember feeling sad when getting regrets on my wedding invitations, but then didn't notice the absence of any of the people who couldn't make it - I was too busy having the experience of the night with the people who were able to make it. But now, when I have to send regrets regarding other people's weddings, I think that night how I wish I were there, knowing full well that while they may wish I had been able to make it, they're too busy to miss me at all!

So, I sit here knowing that if someone goes into labor while I'm sick, she'll hardly notice my absence, and that my preceptors would forgive me my humanity (they don't want babies getting sick either), but that it would be one miraculous and instructive experience less in my repertoire.

Please, nobody go into labor.